Hello, and welcome to the Modern Manners Guy’s Quick and Dirty Tips for a More Polite Life.

Today, we'll start with a listener question to address the topic of uninvited tagalongs and guests.  

Prerna writes:

I love your podcast!  I have a question...How do you deal with a friend who assumes that he is invited, invites himself, or is very pushy about trying to get you to invite him to an event where he is not welcome?

Thank you for listening and for writing in with your question, Prerna.  I think this is an experience we've all had: the friend or acquaintance who is always inviting him or herself even when you give out many signs that it is not appropriate.  When you approach this problem, it's good to have an idea what you want the ultimate outcome to be.  Do you want to maintain the relationship, just with some more clear boundaries about when it's OK for your friend to join activities or give you space?  Or do you want to cool off or end the friendship?  Once you know this, you can take the next difficult steps in setting things straight.

The best and most polite thing to do is to be clear but respectful.  You are going to risk some hurt feelings and discomfort, but the ultimate result will be better.  If it is around a specific event, say a dinner you are having with a friend, you might say something like, "I know that you would like to see Samantha too, but it's been such a long time since she and I have had the chance to catch up, and we wanted to have a private dinner with just the two of us."  You could add, "Let's all get together next week for dinner," if it is truly something you would like to do, or you could say, "It would be nice if you and I could have a private get together too; sometimes I really miss the chance to sit down with someone one on one."  Again, the basic principle is to be clear about what you want, and if you want to make signs or assurances that you wish to maintain a friendship with the self-inviter, you should do so.  This may also make your friend feel more comfortable and secure that you still like them and want to be with them even if they are not invited to every single event.

If you have a problem with someone who chronically invites him or herself, and your case-specific interventions have not helped the situation, then you will have to have a face to face chat with her or him.  You should set up a time to speak privately, when you have collected your thoughts and can talk calmly without interruption.  It is good to have a couple of examples in mind when you do this.  You might say something like, "Darren, something has been bothering me that I need to discuss with you.  This is a little uncomfortable to say, but I feel like there have been a number of times when I haven't invited you to dinner, but you have come anyway.  This has made me feel very awkward because I do not want to hurt your feelings, but it has been happening so often lately that I need to discuss it with you."  This is when it is very important to be clear about what you want.  Your friend may ask, "But I thought we were friends – why wouldn't you want me to come?"  If it is a friendship you wish to maintain, you might say something like, "Yes, we are absolutely friends and there is no question that I want to maintain this friendship.  But if we are going to be friends, we have to be honest with one another.  I enjoy spending time with you and I want to keep doing so, I just want you to respect the fact that I may not invite you to every event."

If you don't want to be someone's friend, then your answer to the question about the friendship should be different.  You might say something like, "It is hard to say, but I think we have different expectations about our relationship.  I view you as a friendly acquaintance, and while it is nice to see you, I don't feel as though I have extended an automatic invitation to every dinner or event."

Remember that no matter how tactful you are, there are likely to be some hurt feelings.  You may encounter very emotional or even irrational responses, but you have to be prepared for this in order to start rectifying the situation.  In the best case, you may actually improve a friendship if you can reach a new level of honesty and communication.

So here's hoping all of your guests are happily invited, and thank you for listening to quick and dirty tips for a more polite life.

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