Sometimes I Just Want to Be Alone—Is That Normal? (Part 2)
Everyone needs a room of one’s own, some more often than others. In Part 2 of this series on the various states of solitude, clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Hendriksen offers tips on how to tell the difference between satisfied solitude and fearful avoidance. Plus - how to ease your social fears.
Page 2 of 2
How Can I Feel Better in Social Situations?
1) Anticipating a worrisome social situation is almost always worse than the actual event. For example, after dreading the company holiday party for weeks, it may actually be a relief to walk through the door. Our brains are wired to jump to worst-case scenarios, so the alarm bells before a social situation are often louder than necessary.
Anticipating a worrisome social situation is almost always worse than the actual event.
Try this experiment: The next time you reluctantly attend a party, have to speak in class or a meeting, or work up the courage to do something you usually avoid, contrast your expectations with the actual experience. Rate your pre-event dread with a number from 1-10. Afterwards, rate how awkward or anxiety-provoking your actual experience was, also from 1-10. The anticipation rating (“I thought it would be an 8 on the awkward scale”) will likely be higher than the experience rating (“But it was really more like a 4.”) Our brains are great at coming up with potential catastrophes (“Nobody will talk to me!”), but they seldom play out in reality (“I stood around by myself for a few minutes, but then that guy from HR struck up a conversation I actually enjoyed.”). Simply realizing your alarm bells are set too loud may be a consolation the next time they go off.
2) Volunteer to be an event host. If suffering through a big family wedding, for example, makes you want to hide under the buffet table, ask whoever is in charge how you can help make things run smoothly. Oftentimes, social awkwardness is alleviated by having a defined role. Asking attendees to sign the guest book gives you a reason to circulate. Rounding up groups for photos provides you purpose. Playing a role allows you to practice approaching people, practice having eyes on you, and practice making requests. Invariably, this practice builds confidence. When you’re ready—whether in a few hours or a few decades—you can transition to the ultimate role: yourself.
3) Push yourself. . . a little. Both parts of this tip are important. For instance, Marcus, the socially anxious college student from Part 1 of this series, might try asking a question in class in order to push himself. However, he should start small. He can push himself a little by first asking the TA a question after class, then asking the professor a question after class, then asking a question in an informal exam review, then in a 10-person seminar, and finally in a 100-person lecture. Likewise, for your own practice, inch into the water slowly; you don’t have to do a cannonball.
4) Ask questions. Many people feel awkward in social situations because they feel they have nothing to say. One helpful technique is to ask open-ended questions (“So how did you two meet?” or “I’ve been thinking of taking that course—how do you like that professor?”) or ask advice (“I’ve got a few vacation days to burn—I need a good weekend getaway,” or “I just abandoned a terrible book—I need another one. Any suggestions?”) Then, based on the answer, ask another question that takes the conversation deeper. Many people are delighted to talk about their lives and experiences and will thank you for the chance.
5) The average American has two true friends, despite what you see on Facebook. Almost one in four find themselves without a social circle. If you’re starting from scratch, have hope and take heart knowing you’re not, well, alone. Wondering where to start? Think about what you like to do. If you’re stumped, think about what you liked to do as a kid. Then, based on your answers, plug yourself into a small, recurring group with the same people—not a one-shot event or huge city festival.
Did you love to draw? Take a semester-long art class. Run? Join a community running club and attend the Tuesday evening runs religiously. Read about dinosaurs? Volunteer at the local museum, preferably on a shift with the same co-volunteers. The most important part is to keep showing up. Commit for at least a season, even if you’re tempted to throw in the towel earlier.
6) If you’ve determined that avoidance is a challenge you’re facing, a good cognitive-behavioral therapist can help you construct a plan to face your fears slowly and safely. In a nutshell, he or she will ask you to construct a hierarchy of things you avoid, from easiest to hardest. Next, you’ll work through them gradually, only moving on to the next level when ready.
Time spent alone can be exhilarating or exhausting. Or, as better expressed by the great theologian Paul Tillich, "Language...has created the word 'loneliness' to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word 'solitude' to express the glory of being alone." With practice and some guts, you can experience the glory.
Brashears,M.E. (2011). Small networks and high isolation? A reexamination of American discussion networks, Social Networks, 33, 331-341.
Dr. Ellen Hendriksen is a clinical psychologist at the Stanford University School of Medicine. Ellen graduated from Brown University, earned her Ph.D. at UCLA, and completed her training at Harvard Medical School. In her clinic, she treats everything from depression to trauma to panic, but she has a special place in her heart for anxiety disorders. Ellen is also an active research scientist and develops therapy programs for individuals and families living with chronic illness. She lives in the San Francisco Bay Area with her husband and two sons, ages 5 and 2.
Disclaimer: All content is strictly for informational purposes only. This content does not substitute any medical advice, and does not replace any medical judgment or reasoning by your personal health provider. Please always seek a licensed physician in your area regarding all health related questions.