Encouraging “Just Right” Standards for Your Kids
When parents’ expectations for their kids are set at the right level – not too high and not too low – kids do very well in life. Mighty Mommy has 6 tools for setting reasonable expectations that all parents can follow to move their children forward at their own pace.
Cheryl Butler
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Encouraging “Just Right” Standards for Your Kids
With each of my 8 kids, I want nothing more than for them to be the best human beings they can possibly be. I don’t expect one of them to be the next President of the United States (unless that is their own dream) but I do have reasonable expectations for them to make a positive difference in the world, no matter how small or big.
When parents’ expectations for their kids are set at the right level – not too high and not too low – kids tend to do very well in life. Mighty Mommy has 6 specific tools for setting reasonable expectations that all parents can follow to move their children forward at their own pace..
Tool #1: Know Your Child and Adjust to His/Her Level
Forget about your kids’ peers and don’t get too carried away by everything you read in parenting books. When it comes to figuring out what makes your own child tick, ask yourself some simple questions: What is reasonable to expect from this particular child? What are her abilities, needs, accomplishments? What’s her basic temperament? What’s her current stage of development? In order to set appropriate expectations for your child, you have to really know them.
When you’re assessing your child for “reasonable” behavior, take temperament and development into consideration, and adjust your expectations to meet capabilities. Three of my kids had significant learning delays, but regardless, I knew that if I didn’t set certain standards for them, they could very well flounder and perform at a lower level than they were capable of. One of their very wise teachers once told me —“If your child can’t tolerate an elevator ride to the top of the Empire State Building, then chances are he won’t tolerate the wonderful plane ride to Disney World either.”
That message empowered me to set the bar higher than their teachers did. I didn’t care if they couldn’t perform at their peer level, but I did care if they weren’t at least given the chance. Don’t underestimate your kids’ individual strengths and talents — they may not be the same as their peers, but they do have unique abilities and need to be given the chance to develop them.
Tool #2: Adjust to Changing Circumstances
Sometimes, what starts out as a realistic expectation becomes unreasonable. Circumstances change along the way. Perhaps an expectation to win a gymnastics title becomes impossible due to a leg injury. Maybe failing one test early in a semester makes a final A all but impossible. When these setbacks occur, be willing to adjust the expectation to one that is achievable. Don’t set your child up for failure or disappointment when the unexpected gets in the way. Help your child set a new goal that is within reach, therefore validating their setback but encouraging some other type of win.
For example, my daughter is a junior in high school. She has always had to work twice as hard as her friends and some of my other kids to get good grades. She easily spends over 3 hours per night on homework to maintain a solid B average. She desperately wanted to take an accelerated Chemistry class this year, even though she knew it might be too difficult. Although I was afraid she was setting herself up for disappointment, I admired her “can do” attitude. Two months into the course she realized she was in way over her head and had to drop the class. We discussed why it just didn’t work for her and she decided a regular Chemistry class was still important, so she switched into a less-pressured class. She earned a 93 in the new chemistry class and although it wasn’t the accelerated class on her transcript, she was pleased because she knew enough to change course and stick with a class she could handle.
Try to be supportive of the activities your child loves most
Tool #3: Encourage Your Child’s Passion
Some children are very clear about the things they love: art, music, sports, dance, computers, drama etc., while others may need some direction. When trying to teach your child to have higher expectations of himself, try to be supportive of the activities he loves most. Forcing a child who loves to play the saxophone to become a star baseball player like his father can backfire.
Sometimes it’s possible to do more than one thing well, but children can also get distracted if they are pulled in too many directions at one time. Perhaps you can get your son enrolled in some extra music classes, but still carve out time for him to play on a recreational baseball team just for fun. This encourages his passion for the saxophone but still gives him the chance to participate in a physical sport without the pressure.
Tool #4: Encourage Commitment
Kids often claim they want to try a new activity that requires a significant expenditure on the part of their parents. Mighty Mommy knows—I’ve dished out hundreds of dollars on musical instruments and sports equipment only to have my children decide they are no longer interested only weeks into their new hobby. I finally learned that commitment on my child’s part was the key ingredient before I invested too much time, money, or effort into their activities.
Last year one of my teenage sons decided he wanted to take up golf. He immediately asked for a new set of clubs. We told him that we would help him get a used set of clubs and if he stuck with it for the entire spring and summer, we would help him purchase his own clubs, but wouldn’t buy them for him. After a month, he fell in love with the game and found some odd jobs to earn some money towards his own clubs. A year later, he’s still playing and he bought the new clubs with his own money.
If your children want to do an activity that requires significant resources, have them sign a contract first. For sports, this might mean agreeing to complete at least one season. For musical instruments, it might mean agreeing to take a specific number of lessons. You can also have them agree in advance to be willing to listen to their teachers/coaches and to be committed to learning and following through, even when they are frustrated and it becomes difficult (which it will).
Tool #5: Don’t Accept Excuses
Help children recognize excuses for what they are. When they have made a commitment and then say they don’t feel like practicing or going to class, or that it’s too hard or not fun anymore, remind them that this it is just another challenge for them to overcome. Helping kids push through obstacles is a great way to teach them an important life lesson. Quitting is sometimes more painful than pushing through, making mistakes, and continuing to work towards our goals.
Tool #6: Encourage Children to Ask for Feedback
A great way for anyone to improve their talent is to not be afraid to ask for feedback or constructive criticism from others. If your daughter is passionate about painting, surround her with opportunities to learn from other artists. A trained eye can offer a fresh perspective that can help her improve her craft. If children can be comfortable asking for feedback at a young age, they will learn that criticism can be helpful, not just hurtful, and it will be a skill that can help them all throughout life.
How do you help set higher standards for your child? Share your thoughts in the comment section or post your ideas on the Mighty Mommy Facebook page. You can also connect with me on Twitter @MightyMommy or e-mail me at mommy@quickanddirtytips.comcreate new email. Visit my family-friendly boards at Pinterest.com/MightyMommyQDT.
Have fun and get excited when you explore your children’s passions—you might learn something extraordinary about them in the process! Until next time—happy parenting!