How to Defend Yourself Without Being Defensive

Being wrongly accused of something at work feels awful. Your instinct is to defend yourself, but you don't want to be perceived as defensive. Follow this simple road map for mounting a mature, professional, and effective defense.

Rachel Cooke
6-minute read
Episode #614
The Quick And Dirty

Defending without being defensive is best achieved when you are responsive versus reactive, you take ownership rather than deflecting blame, and you reflect versus protect. With those elements in place, here's the roadmap to having a great defending conversation:

  • Reflect on what happened, focusing on facts, not finger-pointing.
  • Plan a conversation to discuss your findings and explore what you've learned.
  • Communicate to present an open, learning-focused assessment and a path forward.

Something went wrong at work and fingers are pointing at you. You know it wasn’t your fault. Do you stand up and defend yourself at the risk of being labeled “defensive?”

The answer is yes. And today I’ll be talking about what distinguishes defending from defensive, and how to stand up for yourself when the moment commands it.

What's the difference between defending yourself and being defensive?

The line between defending yourself and being defensive can be blurry. Three core characteristics distinguish being defensive from defending.

1.Reaction versus response

When an accusation is made against you, your body’s fight-or-flight stress response kicks in. Your instinct to self-protect may trigger an emotional response. Because you’re human.

When you react emotionally, you're running on instinct, not rational thought.

But emotional reactivity is one of the cornerstones of being defensive. When you react emotionally, you're running on instinct, not rational thought.

Now, contrast that with a response. A response doesn't happen in the moment; it comes later. Instead of reacting with a quick burst of emotion, recognize the emotions as they come up but resist the urge to act on them until you've had time to reflect.

2. Blame versus ownership

When you allow emotion to drive, your natural tendency is to shed and redirect the blame. It's a grownup version of “I didn’t do it—she did!”

But deflecting blame is being defensive.

While you may not be to blame for the outcome, is there something you can take ownership of? Was there something, in hindsight, you might have been able to influence or prevent?

3. Protection versus reflection

A defensive person is motivated primarily by self-protection. A person defending is motivated by understanding and dissecting the situation.

Communicate your defense in a way that demonstrates your willingness to listen, learn, and be a part of the solution.

Communicating your defense in a way that demonstrates your willingness to listen, learn, and be a part of the solution going forward is a powerful way to show that you're open and interested in solving problems.

How to defend yourself without being defensive

Let’s imagine a scenario.

You’re an account manager whose job is to support customers once they’ve purchased your product. Your performance relies on contract renewals. One of your biggest customers has just announced they won’t be renewing. It’s a big loss for the company and fingers are pointing at you.

Maybe your boss said something like “I’m disappointed in your work. This client was extremely valuable to us, and now we’re not going to achieve our targets for this month.”

Or perhaps the accusation hasn’t been stated out loud, but it’s clearly presumed. In either case, what do you do?

You need a three-part plan.

1. Reflect on what happened

This may feel like the moment when a driver cuts you off on the highway. The temptation to scream may be strong.

Take a breath. Your physiological response will subside. Your thoughtful defense begins here.

Start by asking yourself some personal reflection questions:

  • What are the facts of what happened?
  • What role did I play?
  • Was there any moment, in hindsight, when I could or should have noticed something going off track?
  • Was I paying enough attention to key indicators along the way?
  • Did I learn something about my company’s product or service that needs to be improved upon?

Your answers to these questions are just for you alone, so be brutally honest in your self-assessment.

2. Plan your conversation

You’ve reflected. You’ve identified insights, learnings, and even some things you may do differently in the future.

Now it’s time to plan the conversation with your boss or whoever has placed blame on you.

Start with empathy

What state of mind will they be in? Are they under pressure to perform or maybe even fearful for their job? Be prepared for whatever anxiety or assumptions they may bring to the conversation, and respect whatever they are experiencing.

Schedule a meeting

Schedule a meeting to discuss it. If you have the opportunity, do it proactively, don’t wait for the request. Send a short note stating you’re aware of the seriousness of the situation, and you’d like to dissect what happened to ensure future customer conversations are handled more effectively.

Plot out talking points

Don’t script yourself. You’ll want your conversation to feel authentic. But do go in with a set of points to communicate, and questions to ask. Showing up with confidence and a plan will demonstrate your accountability to your boss.

3. Communicate openly

You’ve planned and prepared. Now you want to facilitate a conversation that shows off your hard work. Your efforts here will help you defend your position without being defensive.

Here’s a roadmap you can use for the conversation.

Kickoff with purpose

Begin by setting an intention. Let your boss know what you’re looking to accomplish in this discussion. You’d like to:

  • Establish a shared understanding of what happened
  • Extract any insights and lessons learned
  • Establish a plan for managing differently the next time
  • Capture any of her feedback

Present a factual account of what happened

State what happened and stick to the facts. This is not about emotion or accusation.


John’s analysis was wrong. His bad data is the real cause of this.


In preparing for the renewal call, I reviewed the analysis John’s team did and drew X conclusion.

If John’s data was wrong, that truth will emerge without you needing to leverage an accusation. Let the truth unfold through reflective dialog, instead.

Invite additional details

Remember, much of your job in this conversation is to listen with empathy. It’s a great way to demonstrate that you’re not defensive.

So, here you might pause and ask what you might have missed. You’ve only seen this situation from your perspective. By stating your case and inviting additional details, you’ve told a story in defense of yourself, but you've also demonstrated willingness to listen.

This small distinction can have a big impact on how you’re perceived.

Reflection on learning

One powerful way to avoid sounding defensive is to demonstrate that you’ve reflected on what happened and you’re focused on learning from the failed outcome, which isn't the same as admitting failure or fault.

Let’s imagine John’s data was indeed flawed and look at two different responses.


This wasn’t my fault. John caused this issue with his poor analysis.


I’ve been reflecting on what happened. I think, in hindsight, I could have taken a closer look at the data from John’s team. I might have caught the issue sooner.

Taking ownership of a piece of the outcome is not the same as taking the blame.

Instead of blaming John directly, this approach highlights where the problem occurred. But it also positions you as a thoughtful problem-solver versus someone just being defensive. Remember—taking ownership of a piece of the outcome is not the same as taking the blame.

Invite feedback

Now it’s your turn to pause and invite your boss to offer you feedback. Again, this isn’t about blame; it’s about learning. And just about the most undefensive thing a person can do is ask for feedback. It’s grown-up, it’s gracious, and it demonstrates personal leadership.

Plan a path forward

Reflecting on the facts, the learning, and the feedback, what specific actions will you commit to moving forward to ensure a different outcome next time? Could a monthly meeting with John’s team to review their analyses in progress help you catch errors proactively? What about more regular check-ins with customers at risk?

Taking the lead on turning this situation into a true learning opportunity is an amazing way to show your commitment to problem-solving over shifting blame.

About the Author

Rachel Cooke

Rachel Cooke is a leadership and workplace expert who holds her M.A. in Organizational Psychology from Columbia University. Founder of Lead Above Noise, she has been named a top 100 Leadership Speaker by Inc. Magazine and has been featured in Fast Company, The Huffington Post, and many more.