From 9/11 to the Boston Marathon bombings to ISIS, violence and terrorism are part of growing up in our world today. How do we explain such a world to our kids? Savvy Psychologist offers 13 tips to talk to your kids about terrorism and violence.
Parents would like to do everything possible to protect our kids. But we live in a world where 9/11 and ISIS are part of everyday life. So how do we explain terrorist acts and other violence to our children?
Let’s work our way through the age groups, from pacifiers and pull-ups to acne and angst. Whether your children are nursing or shaving, your primary goal is to help them feel safe. Here's how:
How to Talk About Terrorism with Young Kids
Tip #1: Avoid letting young children see disturbing videos. As is developmentally appropriate, the line between fact and fantasy is fuzzy for young kids. In order to prevent needless fears and nightmares, keep the news channel turned off when they’re around. Likewise, put off high-emotion conversations or inflammatory radio about recent events until they’re out of earshot. You may think they’re not even paying attention, but little kids are like sponges: they absorb everything. Get your news about ISIS at work or after the little ones have gone to bed.
Tip #2: If you do walk in to find your preschooler staring at disturbing footage on TV, stay calm. Simply say “Hey, let’s give the TV a rest,” turn it off, and then gently redirect: “Tell me about this drawing you were working so hard on.” Don’t lunge for the remote, cover their eyes, or snap “You shouldn’t be watching that.” If you make it dramatic, it will make more of an impression and create anxiety or guilt..
Tip #3: If your young child re-enacts a tragedy, help him play it out until everyone is safe. For example, if your young son builds a LEGO city and then crushes it, saying it was “bombed,” say, “Time to call in the fix-it crew!” Join him in rebuilding it and then ask how it can be made safe. Perhaps he’ll build a wall, make a couch-cushion shield, or have a toy dinosaur guard it. Especially for younger children, accuracy matters less than feeling safe. Most importantly, drive home the sense of safety non-verbally by offering hugs and cuddles for no reason at all.
How to Talk About Terrorism with School Age Kids, Tweens, and Teens
Tip #4: With older kids, start the conversation by asking what they’ve heard. Especially for teens on social media, you can be sure they’ll hear about recent terrorist events. Use a TV or online story as a prompt, and then ask, “What are people at school saying about ISIS?” Or, if your kids bring it up, clarify what they know by asking more: “What have you heard about that?”
If they say “nothing,” you don’t have to force them to talk. You’re aiming for presence, not pressure. So long as they know you’re a safe, non-judgmental person to whom to talk, conversation will come when they’re ready.
See also: How to Raise an Introverted Child
If they do tell you what they’ve heard, “Noah said bad guys cut off a guy’s head,” listen for three things: fears, misperceptions, and questions. Here’s how to deal with each:
Tip #5: When you hear fears, normalize their feelings. If they’re scared, say “Lots of kids and even adults feel scared. That was scary.” Don’t say, “Don’t worry about it.” or “There’s nothing to be scared of.” Even if that’s technically true, that’s not how they feel. They’ll feel dismissed and learn you’re not someone who’s safe to talk to.
Tip #6: Look for the helpers. Take the advice of the inimitable Mr. Rogers and, in times of tragedy, “Look for the helpers.” Soothe fears by reassuring kids that military, police, or other community helpers they already know are there to protect people no matter what. Likewise, if there is news coverage about someone acting as a hero or helping the survivors, tell them the story. Leave your child with faith in humanity.