Walking into an Apple store can be bad for your health. Modern Manners Guy has 3 tips for staying cool in the genius bar.
Before I begin, let me start by saying, “I’m a Mac.” Everyone sits on one side of the computer fence or the other and I go with the world of iPads, iPhones, and iTunes. I live in the land of glistening white and shiny silver iCandy (Get it? Eye candy?), where Steve Jobs is the leader and we are his geeky little mignons who proclaim every little thing Apple makes, as “The. Best. Thing. Ever!”
I am putting this disclaimer out there so that all my fellow Apple Soldiers understand that despite my impending sarcasm-laced quips about the Apple store, I am still one of you.
Proper Apple Store Etiquette
Going to an Apple store can be fun, but it can also resemble going to a gym for the first time since high school and seeing some roided-out dude flex his pecks to the beat of Jingle Bells in the mirror while you’re stuck trying to figure out what the difference is between a dumbbell and a barbell.
So before you enter the ivory tower that is the Apple store, check out my top 3 Quick and Dirty Tips for how to properly handle your next Apple experience:
Tip #1: Remember: You’ve Already Lost!
The old expression, “Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight” pretty much sums up the experience of walking into an Apple store. Once you enter the glass doors, you have to realize that you’ve already lost to the “Powers That Be.” Whether you are going there to get something fixed, or to pick up a cool case for your iPhone, accept the fact that you will leave in an Apple-induced trance. It will feel similar to having been abducted by aliens—but no one will believe you, so you have to keep it to yourself.
The Apple store is like a geeky Disneyland, where just as my daughter will flip over a Disney Princess toothbrush, I will lose my mind over the new iPad. Apple knows this and they know you can’t resist. They also know the questions you will ask. They’ve heard them before and are laughing at you as you ask why that “light won’t turn off when you click the button.” That “light” is the result of millions of dollars worth of research and that button has about a dozen patents on it and they think you are a fool for not understanding.
So, next time you approach the Apple store, step inside with an open mind and no expectations. I know what you’re thinking: “No expectations?!??! Modern Manners Guy, you’re you out of your mind!” Look, I’ve accepted this. By having an open mind, you will allow yourself to listen to what they are telling you. The Apple staff loves to talk and when they advise you, pay attention. Don’t tune out simply because you feel like you are being ridiculed—you are—but it’s a helpful form of ridicule. Kind of like how the military beats down the recruits in boot camp, only to build them back up into soldiers.
Tip #2: Make an Appointment
“Holy Mackerel!” That’s the PG version of describing how people react when walking into an Apple store to find out that the “geniuses” will only assist you if you have an appointment. I have never seen such indignation as when a frustrated Mac user asks an Apple employee for help but is denied for not having an appointment. It’s pure pandemonium. People curse, shout, plead their case, and in the end, are still turned down (all the while, the staff remain as cool as cucumbers). It’s similar to coasting your broken car to an auto shop only to be told that the mechanics can’t fix your radiator right this second. To you it’s vital, but to the Apple store team, it’s just another day.
To avoid this sort of stressful unpleasantness...