How to Give Your Kids Equal Attention
Get tips on making sure you give equal time to your children.
Cherylyn Feierabend
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How to Give Your Kids Equal Attention
Hey there! You’re listening to the Mighty Mommy with some Quick and Dirty Tips for Practical Parenting.
This week, we are answering a listener question.
“Hi. My name is Bonnie from Chicago, and I was calling because I have a 2½-year-old and a 1-year-old.
My concern is that I’m not giving as much attention to my 1-year-old as I did to my 2½-year-old when she was smaller.
How do I give them both the attention they deserve when they are both hanging off of me at the same time?
I want to give them everything they need and deserve, but sometimes I feel that it’s not equal.”
Bonnie, thank you for calling. Your situation is very common and many parents often wonder how make sure that both of their children are receiving their fair share of Mommy and Daddy time. Before I share some suggestions, I need to share this word from our sponsor.
The Struggle of Sharing Time
I’ve probably mentioned this at least once before on a previous episode, but it’s worth repeating. When my son was born, my daughter was almost 2 and was not happy about having a little brother at all. My kids are a little further apart in age than Bonnie’s, but I’m absolutely familiar with the struggle of sharing my time between both of my children. When a new baby joins the family it’s unrealistic to expect that you’ll have the exact amount of time to share with each child. Babies require plenty of attention: nurturing, feeding, and providing security. Your older child may feel as though he is being left behind. In the beginning, you can invite your older child to help you with the baby. If he is open to the idea, that will help to get him involved. You could ask your older sibling to gently tickle the baby’s feet while you are feeding the baby. That will help keep the baby awake to eat and entertain your older child at the same time. Another simple idea is to have your older child help bring blankets or entertain the baby with toys. Keep in mind that you should ask your child if he wants to help. If this isn’t something he’s interested in, he shouldn’t be forced into it. That could cause resentment. If he doesn’t show any interest in your ideas, you could ask him what he would like to do to help with the baby and hopefully, he’ll offer some ideas that will make everyone happy.
Create One-On-One Time
Though spending time with your children together is a wonderful way for everyone to bond, it’s also important to invest in some one-on-one time with each child. Whether you have 2, 3, or more children, that can often be a challenge. Even if you aren’t spending the exact amount of time with each child, at least ensure that you are spending some quality time with everyone. Kids don’t ask for much. They just want your attention. Take some time to read a story, color a picture, or just sing a few rounds of Itsy Bitsy Spider. It’s always nice when you have two children napping at the same time, but by slightly staggering naps, you can give each child some time while the other is resting. If you have assistance, you can also plan special one-on-one dates with your children. My son loves the time he gets in the morning while my daughter is at school. Sometimes we just play together and sometimes we’ll go out on a breakfast date. My daughter is a little bit older and loves going shopping alone with Mommy. When my son can stay home with my husband, my daughter and I can get out and do something fun together. Recently my husband took my daughter to see a movie. It was a great time for them to do something alone together while my son and I had our time.
Create Independent Time
Independent time is also very important for children. We don’t have to constantly be hovering over them and entertaining them. We should always be present and available to them and, of course, know exactly what they are up to, but sometimes they simply need to entertain themselves. When you have more than one child, they can also entertain each other. As your children get older they will benefit from learning and playing together. Some of my favorite moments are when I catch the kids just playing nicely together. I try not to clench anything while waiting for the exact moment it will end loudly. The point is, children can and should spend time on their own as well with parents and with each other. Independent play will help children develop the skills to be creative and entertain themselves. It also helps if your children can have toys that are solely their own. We have a lot of toys that the children share between them, but since they already have to share Mommy, Daddy, and their living space, it’s nice for them to have some items that are all their own.
Prevent the Blame Game
Finally, make sure that you aren’t saying anything that can cause one child to blame the other. It seems like common sense, but something as simple as, “I can’t play with you right now because I have to feed the baby” can place blame on the baby. I suggest saying, “We can play together in just a few minutes” or “Go pick out a couple of books we can read together in just a little bit.” You may have words that your child will understand better depending on how you describe increments of time to them, but the idea is to let them know that you will spend time with them soon; but don’t make them feel that the delay is caused by their sibling.
That’s it for now.
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