3 Rules for Visiting Someone Who Is Ill

When someone becomes very ill—to the point that they are bedridden or immobile—most people try to visit their dear friend in the hospital or comfort of their home to cheer them up and wish them well. Some folks, however, have a hard time following the proper etiquette for that visit.

As a manners expert, I like to think I’ve seen and heard it all, but it still shocks me when people assume a person who is ill has all the time in the world. Like, “Eh, he’s not going anywhere today. I’ll grab some lunch before I swing by.” Or that they’re up for a surprise visitor at all. Sadly, these are a just a couple of rude examples, but trust me, there are many more improper ways to visit someone who is ill. With that, let’s get started with my top 3 quick and dirty tips.

Tip #1: Schedule Your Visit

Modern Manners Guy’s Facebook friend, Kelly, has been caring for her Uncle Stanley for the past few months. They’ve been best buds since she was a toddler, and as his final days approach, Kelly has been spending more time by his side, since his condition has made it impossible for him to leave his home. Along with helping him eat and walk to the restroom, she has also facilitated the scheduling of his visitors. And as more visitors have come over, she’s compiled quite the laundry list of their improper habits.

One of the main areas of frustration for her is when people simply stop by whenever, without calling ahead. You know, because what else could Stanley be doing at 11 a.m. on a Wednesday, right? Well, it turns out Uncle Stanley has many things going on, some of which require privacy, and this means he may not always be at their beck and call.

If you’ve ever witnessed someone who is ill, you know that their days are not spent just lounging around watching reruns of Law and Order. In fact, it’s mostly filled with people aiding with their medication, trips to the restroom, eating, and many other unfortunate side effects of being sick. All of which they’d prefer their visitors not bear witness to. So, when a visitor rudely “drops in” whenever it’s convenient for them, it can make for a very uneasy stay.

Yes, Uncle Stanley appreciates the thought, but the delivery? Well, not so much. When you visit someone who is ill, planning is key. It’s always proper to call the person ahead of time to see what time and day works best for them—not what’s convenient for you. In addition, even though you have a set date to visit, on your way over, always call right before. If at the last minute they aren’t up for it, don’t make them feel guilty because they had to cancel. Simply schedule a new time, and go from there. 

Tip #2: Be on Time

As I said in Tip #1, it’s proper to schedule your visit, as well as, follow up with a call as you’re on your way. But the issue of timing isn’t just about scheduling a visit; it also comes down to being on time. For example, Kelly gave her cousin Owen a set time and date that worked around Uncle Stanley’s medication and rests. Simple enough, right? Kelly only wishes it was that easy. Turns out, Owen’s lunch date went a bit longer than he expected, and he showed up to Uncle Stanley’s house an hour late. Unfortunately, when Owen arrived, Uncle Stanley was fast asleep, and to Kelly’s surprise, Owen was quite perturbed. Gosh, the nerve of Uncle Stanley! That’s right; keep it classy, Cousin Owen.

See also: How to Be on Time: 10 Tips for Better Punctuality

Here’s the deal, folks, when you have a set time to visit someone who is ill, be on time. Don’t worry about being early, just don’t be late. I’ve said this a million times, but punctuality is key to having good manners, and when it comes to a date with someone who is bedridden, it’s essential to stick to the plan. After all, when you’re late (in general), it shows an utter lack of respect for the other person, ill or not, family or friend. It’s doubly rude to be late for someone who, being ill, doesn’t always work on the same clock as everyone else.

As I touched on in Tip #1, don’t harp on the fact that the person is not “up to it” when you arrive. When someone is sick, their body takes over and they cannot control when they’ll be tired or jovial. Have some compassion and respect for their wavering schedule, and keep to the date as planned. If you’re running late, call. And if you can’t make it, then try to reschedule for another time that works for them.

Tip #3: Try to Be Helpful

This last tip is, hands down, the most obnoxious to witness. Sure, the “drop in” visit is awkward to witness, and being late shows a complete sign of arrogance, but when you visit a person who is ill and expect refreshments—well that’s about as unmannerly as it gets. Kelly told a story where her uncle’s friend came over, and asked the nurse if she could get him a cup of coffee from the kitchen. Uncle Stanley’s friend was feeling a little chilly, too, and asked Stanley’s wife to turn down the air conditioning. After all, the thermostat is right there, and Uncle Stanley has a Keurig, so the coffee should only take a minute. Come on, two minor requests, right? No biggie. Ugh, the nerve! No, it is a biggie—a big-time display of your complete and utter lack of manners.

When you visit someone who is ill, do not expect to be served. Better yet, the proper thing to do before you visit is to call and see if they need anything. This is the only thing you should ask. There’s a convenience store on every block; heck, the gas stations carry milk, eggs, and snacks for that matter. Even order a pizza and have it delivered while you’re there. Bringing something shows you have a solid understanding of what they’re going through and that you’re more than happy to help. You should never think it’s okay to rummage through their kitchen or ask other people to fetch you a snack. Always remember that the person you are visiting, and those who are assisting that person, all have much more to worry about than your hankering for a sandwich. They could always use a hand while you’re there, so ask. Even if the person says you don’t have to bring anything, still do. They may not want to admit it, but in this type of situation, everyone needs to pitch in and every little bit helps.

As always, if you have another manners question, I look forward to hearing from you at manners@quickanddirtytips.com. Follow me on Twitter @MannersQDT, and of course, check back next week for more Modern Manners Guy tips for a more polite life.

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Hospital Visit and Clock images courtesy of Shutterstock.