Helping Your Child Navigate Body Exploration

As they grow, children start exploring their bodies, including the parts it’s not considered polite to touch in public. How should a parent respond to this natural curiosity? It begins with letting your child know there’s nothing to be ashamed of.

In late December, I experienced an extraordinary parenting milestone I’ll treasure for the rest of my life—the birth of my first grandchild! Watching him enter this amazing world was surreal.

Because I enjoy spending time with him, I was excited when my daughter asked me to join her at his pediatrician appointment. I was catapulted back to a time when I used to cart my own babies (usually several at a time—by myself!) for check-ups. Most of those visits were a total blur. My one and only goal was getting my kids in and out with my sanity intact. This time, though, my daughter was the one handling the car carrier, organizing bottles and diapers, and soothing her son while he fussed. I just sat and savored the time with my new grandson.

We were waiting, as the baby slept peacefully, when a woman with a crying newborn and pre-school aged child came in and sat down across from us. The frazzled mom told her little boy to say seated while she cared for his baby sister. Though he had a small electronic toy in one hand, he was much more interested in the hand he had down his pants. I waited to see how his mother would handle this breach of public etiquette, but she was too busy with her crying baby to notice. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, the nurse called my daughter in. We gathered the baby and his things and headed towards the exam room, leaving the little boy in the same position he arrived in.

My daughter, looking uncomfortable, asked me, “Mom, what was up with that little boy touching himself in public? Why didn’t his mother tell him to stop?” It’s a good question! Let’s take some of the mystery out of young children and body exploration.

It’s completely normal for kids as young as toddlers to become aware of their private parts.

Normal Sexual Behaviors and Exploration

Children’s curiosity can lead to exploring their own and each other’s body parts by looking and touching. As I explained to my daughter, it’s completely normal for kids as young as toddlers to become aware of their private parts. When they do, they’re often so consumed with this self-discovery that they aren’t tuned in to who might be watching them.

The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) shared a list of the follow normal sexual behaviors in children.

Ages 2 to 6

• Touching or masturbating genitals in public or private
• Looking at or touching a peer’s or new sibling’s genitals
• Showing genitals to peers
• Standing or sitting too close to someone
• Trying to see peers or adults naked

Once a young child discovers their penis or vagina, you can expect them to become fascinated with looking and touching. This may be a normal activity, but it still causes parents embarrassment, especially when it happens in a public setting. As the mom of five boys, it has happened to me on many occasions. Although I knew it would pass, I also knew that how I reacted would help my children not feel ashamed of their bodies and give them a better understanding of what they could and couldn’t do in public.

Tips for Handling Your Child’s Body Exploration

Don’t Overreact 

As with so many facets of parenting, your child will ultimately look to you for guidance. He will observe how you react when he embarks on any new experience, especially one that involves something he’s learning such as taking his first steps, using language for the first time, using the toilet alone, and yes, discovering his genitals.

Think back to when your child began to walk. You probably cheered him on excitedly from the sidelines, helping him gain momentum and confidence with each new step he took. Your joyful facial expressions and enthusiastic tone sent a positive message: “You’re doing an awesome job; keep up the great work!”

Your language, tone of voice, and expression could have a tremendous impact on whether your child perceives body exploration as shameful and bad or just a normal part of life.

The way you react to your child when you find them exploring their body will also send a message. Your language, tone of voice, and expression could have a tremendous impact on whether your child perceives body exploration as shameful and bad or just a normal part of life.

When you do find your child actively touching himself, even if it makes you uncomfortable, don’t scold him. You don’t want him to feel as though he’s committed a crime. Instead, turn the situation into a teachable moment. Tell your child that body exploration is natural and explain that it’s a private activity. Your child will continue to learn important lessons from you that can help pave the way for a healthy attitude toward their bodies and sexuality.

Remember, there’s no shame

In How To Talk To Your Kids About Masturbation In A Healthy Way, sex education teacher Kim Cavill encourages using the topic of masturbation as an opportunity to teach skills and concepts that empower young people to grow into sexually healthy adults.

“Communicating acceptance is simple and sounds like this: ‘I see you’re touching your penis/vulva/anus. That feels good, doesn’t it? Touching those body parts feels really different than touching other parts, like elbows or knees. I’m glad you’re getting to know your body, because bodies are really cool.’”

I love how Cavill keeps body exploration simple and acceptable. This approach helps a child feel like there’s nothing dirty or shameful about self-touch.

Promote private body exploration

Begin teaching your child the difference between “public” and “private.” If she starts touching herself in public, quietly tell her that some things are okay to do when she’s alone but not when there are people around.

Sara Dimerman, a child and family therapist in Thornhill, Ontario, explains: “The message should be that touching in and of itself is not dirty or disgusting, so long as it’s done in an appropriate place and doesn’t put the child at risk of exploitation. It’s OK for them to touch themselves when they’re in their rooms alone, but not at the supermarket or the park.”

In the case of the boy touching his privates in the pediatricians office, this would’ve been a great opportunity for his mother to quietly tell him, “That’s something we only do at home.” To keep him from his preoccupation, she could have redirected him toward a toy, crayons, or some other interesting activity.

Talk to your child about body safety

When your child begins to explore her own body, typically between the ages of 3 and 5, it’s the perfect time to begin teaching her about body safety. We teach our kids not to play near busy roads, how to use their words, and how to swim so they can stay safe near deep water. But experts say that parents wait longer than they should to teach their children about body safety, including what unsafe touch is and what to do about it.

One of the best resources I’ve found on this topic is from child therapist Natasha Daniels. She offers easy-to-understand guidelines for empowering children to manage body safety at a young age. Here are some of her important suggestions gleaned from Do You Teach Your Kids Body Safety? 10 Things Every Child Should Know.

Use anatomical terms to talk about body parts

Make sure your child knows the proper names for their body parts instead of slang terms. If a child needs to disclose abuse, vague language can make their story confusing.

If child needs to disclose abuse, vague language can make their story confusing.

Teach them that private parts are private

Private parts are called that for a reason—they’re not for everyone to see. Let your child know that mommy and daddy can see them naked, and so can doctors who are checking their body while mommy or daddy are present, but other people should not see them without their clothes on. 

Teach boundaries

Let your child know that they are in control of their own bodies and no one should touch their private parts. By the same token, make sure your child knows that no one should ask them to touch someone else’s private parts. Daniels says that parents often forget the second part, and sexual abuse often begins with the perpetrator asking the child to touch them or someone else.

Make sure your child knows that secrets are not okay

Daniels says, “Most perpetrators will tell children to keep the abuse a secret. This can be done in a friendly way such as, ‘I love playing with you, but if you tell anyone else what we played they won’t let me come over again’ or as a threat: ‘This is our secret. If you tell anyone I will tell them it was your idea and you will get in big trouble!'”

Make sure your child understands that body secrets are not okay, no matter what anyone else says. And don’t forget to tell them to let you know if anyone else asks them to keep something about their bodies or someone else’s a secret.

You should also make sure your child knows they will never get in trouble if they tell you about a body secret or a time when they felt uncomfortable or unsafe. “Children often tell me that they didn’t say anything because they thought they would get in trouble, too,” says Daniels. “This is often reiterated by the perpetrator.” 

Helpful Resources

Finally, if you’d like to check out some additional resources on this delicate subject, you might find the following helpful and interesting.  

Amaze.org offers fun, animated videos that give you can help adults communicate openly and honestly with kids about puberty, reproduction, relationships, sex and sexuality.  

Sex Positive Families offers a reading list that features over 100 books for children and parents to support sexual health talks.

How do you handle your child’s curiosity with self-touch?  Please share your thoughts in the comments section at quickanddirtytips.com/mighty-mommy, post your ideas on the Mighty Mommy Facebook page. or email me at mommy@quickanddirtytips.com. Visit my family-friendly boards at Pinterest.com/MightyMommyQDT.

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