How to Conquer Your Fear of Driving

This week, by request from Marilyn in Massachusetts, we’ll cover fear of driving. As fellow Bay Staters, Marilyn and I know that Massachusetts drivers are not called Massholes for nothing. Indeed, of the cities with the dubious distinction of having the worst drivers in the nation, 3 of the top 5 are in Massachusetts. 

But no matter where you live, being scared to drive can really get in the way; indeed, if life is a highway, it’s easy for a phobia to push you into breakdown lane. Unless we’re lucky enough to live in a city with great public transportation, driving is necessary for basic freedom and independence.

But not all fear of driving looks the same: there are generally four reasons people are afraid to drive.

The first is a traumatic experience. Let’s take Nora for example: When Nora was twenty-five, she was driving home from a night out and got hit by a driver who was texting. Thankfully, even though her car was totaled, Nora was relatively unscathed and just needed a few stitches. But three years later, she hasn’t driven since.

If your story is like Nora’s, it makes sense that you don’t feel safe in a car. For you, the possibility of an accident is all too real and all too salient. If you’re having nightmares or flashbacks (also called re-experiencing), are on edge, tense, easily startled, and have trouble sleeping (also called hyperarousal), avoiding the car (predictably called avoidance) completes the trifecta of posttraumatic stress disorder, or PTSD. Indeed, up to one-third of people who are in a serious accident have PTSD 30 days or more after the accident.

A second theme of driving fear is Erik’s. Erik sometimes has panic attacks, and while he’s never had one while driving, he’s convinced that if he does, he’ll lose control of the car and unintentionally re-create the big crash scene in Talladega Nights (“Rickyyyy!”).

The problem is that his fear creates a cycle: Erik’s fear that he’s a split second away from a horrible accident is stressful, and stress (a pounding heart, feeling lightheaded, and more) feels a lot like panic, which in turns convinces him he’s on the verge of an attack. Next thing Erik knows, he’s pulled over on the side of the road, convinced he narrowly missed panicking and losing control of the car.

Our third variation is Karla. Karla gets stressed thinking that she’s a bad driver, is annoying everyone, and is in everyone’s way. She experiences driving as a performance, like she’s being tested and judged by everyone on the road. As a result, she hates parallel parking, especially when someone is waiting, and dislikes waiting for left turns because someone going straight might end up getting impatient with her.

Finally, there’s Ali.  Ali is afraid of the possibility of an accident and just doesn’t trust his driving skills, much less the skills of others. He drives, but reluctantly and only on local roads—no highways. He’ll go out of his way to avoid a bridge or tunnel, and only takes left turns if there’s a designated green arrow.

So in a world of fast and furious, how can these four people, plus our listener Marilyn, feel safe and content?

No matter your version of driving fear, the cure will be getting back on the road. But you don’t have to go from zero to sixty (you knew that one was coming)—instead, work your way back slowly.  

So let’s go back to driver’s ed, of sorts—just without the teenage acne or the gym teacher in the passenger’s seat.

Step #1: Plan a driving experience that won’t freak you out. The aim is to give your brain a healing experience—to put you behind the wheel in a situation that is a teeny bit challenging, but achievable.

So if you haven’t driven in awhile, just sit in your car in the driveway—you don’t even have to start the engine. Or drive around a quiet neighborhood on a weekend morning.  Or throwback to driver’s ed and drive around an empty parking lot. Just get behind the wheel in some capacity. Whatever you choose, do it until you feel your nerves eventually start to settle. Then the next day, do it again. You’ll know you’re done when you want to avoid the car not because you’re scared, but because you’re bored out of your mind.  Then it’s time to move on to the next step.

Step #2: Up the ante—a little. You choose where you go from here. Now you get to customize.  

If you’re like Nora and were in an accident, you may ask why you would put yourself in a position where that might happen again? In this case, you get back behind the wheel in order to separate past and present. By not getting behind the wheel again, you stay stuck in the past.  Put some safe, gentle, corrective experiences between the past and the present, and you’ll find driving gets easier every time.

If you’re like Erik, who was worried about panicking, deliberately bring on fake symptoms of panic so you can practice driving with the symptoms, but without actual anxiety. This sounds ridiculous, but it works: for example, drink more coffee than usual so you can practice feeling jittery while you drive. Hold your breath for just a few seconds to bring on feeling a little lightheaded without danger. Literally run to your car so your heart is pounding when you get in and start the engine.

It might feel funny to go for a drive just to practice doing things you don’t like, but it’s worth the investment.

If you’re like Karla or Ali, who avoid certain situations, like left turns, highways, or parallel parking, start gradually practicing these situations when the stakes are low. It might feel funny to go for a drive just to practice doing things you don’t like, but it’s worth the investment. Practice parallel parking on a quiet street.  Drive on the highway for one exit on a weekend morning.  Then get back on and go two exits. Then three. You get the picture.

Step #3: Repeat Step #2 as often as necessary. Keep upping the ante and gradually, but safely, face your fears.

Step #4: Finally, challenge yourself to drop kinda-sorta-superstitious behaviors that artificially tamp down your anxiety, like staying in the slow lane, not driving at rush hour, never going faster than a particular speed, always having a bottle of water, blowing the air vents on full blast, or not driving alone. These are called safety behaviors—they make you feel safer, but in the long run, are getting in your way, because you attribute your ability to their presence. It’s like Dumbo with his magic feather. Experiment with going without and see what happens.

To do this, ask how you would drive if you were not anxious. Would you use all the lanes? Drive whenever you needed to? Drive at the speed of traffic? Whatever the answer, experiment with doing just that. This is fake it ‘til you make it. It will feel wrong at first, but guess what–it works. The principle here is that when you see yourself doing it, you start to believe you can.

All the tips can be summed up this way: Put action before readiness. If you wait until you feel ready, you probably won’t do it. But if you do what you’re scared of, a little at a time, your readiness (and more importantly, your confidence) will catch up.

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