How to Deal With Inappropriate Questions

Let’s pop into the Modern Manners Guy mailbag and see what kind of questions you have for me today: Okay lessee… <shuffling through notecards> “Who was that? What were you guys talking about?  How much money do you make? Who’s the father? You’re not really going to eat that are you? I know we just met, but can you take my cellphone to the store and get it set up for me? Are you pregnant?”  Ooooohhhhkaaaayyyy… maybe we won’t do any of those today… maybe instead we’ll talk about what to do when you are asked an inappropriate question– or a flurry of inappropriate questions, by a bunch of Nosey Nancy’s.

There will be times in our lives where we will find ourselves in situations in which uncomfortable questions are an inevitibility.  Medical conditions, familial situations, mistakes we’ve made, these can all elicit questions that cause discomfort or embarassment and make us want to shout, “are you insane?” at the person from whom the question sprung.  So what do we do?

When Kids Ask Inappropriate Questions

I think that one of the first and most useful things to do when asked a question that may seem inappropriate is to consider that it may not actually be so inappropriate depending on who’s doing the asking. Take, for instance, being asked the question, “Are you pregnant?” when you are not at all pregnant. Coming from an adult, that is a pretty nutty question and that person cleary doesn’t value his or her own life. However, coming from a child the question takes a completely different place on the curiosity vs. self preservation-o-meter.

Even though the quesiton may still be “inappropriate”, children frequently ask questions that are “risky” because they actually want to understand the world better. They are processing information as best they can and perhaps at this given moment, their limited experience and information is telling them that you might be pregnant– so they ask. The fact that the child asked the question in no way means the parents are to blame for a lousy kid (though the parents may well be to blame for the lousy kid). The kid just wants to know. If you find yourself getting irritated in these situations, relax. Kids will be kids. Just laugh the question off and tell them “no,” or dismiss it with a joke.

There are also people who are, frankly, socially awkward and have no idea the question is inappropriate. There may or may not be anything you can do to help them see that. Shrug it off and use your friendship to guide this person to a more socially acceptable line of questioning.

When Questions Aren’t Necessarily Inappropriate

Relatedly, there will be times when you receive questions from adults that are not patently inappropriate, but rest uncomfortably “on the fence.”

I have a friend who has to deal with questions regarding a medical condition he suffers from due to a botched surgical operation. He’s in constant discomfort and has to walk with the assistance of a cane. Because he’s a young guy, many people feel the need to inquire about his condition. This situation is tough. I’m willing to bet the reasons for these questions are split pretty evenly between concerned and nosy. Regardless, my friend is understandably tired of answering even the most earnest questions. In this situation where the questions are unavoidable, he’s taken to asking them if they really want to know the answer to their question. Personally, I think that’s a great approach. It will certainly weed out the nosy people and it counters an awkward question with a completely unexpected question in return—a great tactic for deflecting inappropriate questions. If you throw the question-asker off guard, they may re-think the types of question they ask in the future. “Why would you like to know?” works as a good, standard inappropriate-question deflector in most cases.

When an Adult Should Know Better

Okay, so the person asking the question is no child– in fact, it’s just a nosy adult. A nosy adult coworker who can’t seem to get over the fact that you may or may not earn more money than him and he just has to know.

So, like, do you? Just wondering…

I think the best method of dealing with questions like these– those prying, unfathomable inquiries into your private life– is probably to just say, “I’m not going to tell you that.” Place the emphasis either on you or that depending on what you want to communicate. Another effective method is simply to not answer. It’s amazing what a blank stare can do.Maybe throw in a few blinks for variety, but not too many– like salt blinks can easily be overdone, launching the whole affair well past savory and into the inedible,

Here is a possible scene:

Co-worker: I can’t believe that you got that promotion! That’s great, what are you making now?

You: <playfully> I’m not going to tell you that! Ask me something else.

Co-worker: Okay, where did you get those shoes?  

You: Maximillian’s

Co-worker: Love them! How much did they cost?

You: <waiting in silence for the reality of the question to become evident to the asker>

Co-worker:  Oh, come on.  You’re not going to tell me?

You: … <blinking>

Co-worker: Okay, well wanna get some lunch?

You: Yes!

…aaaaaand scene.

See? Piece of cake. Of course, the other option is to just answer the nosy creep if you don’t mind giving out that type of information.  I’d imagine that puts you in the minority, and it might actually encourage them to continue that behavior. So tread lightly. For most of us, though, we don’t appreciate being asked to give private or sensitive information to people when it’s none of said person’s business.

I think as long as we remember to be sensitive in our question asking and try to mind our own business as best we can, we will err on the safe side of the inappropriate question.

Thank you for listening to The Modern Manners Guy’s Quick and Dirty Tips for a More Polite Life. And thanks to Colin Smith of The MannersCast for guest writing this episode. You can find out more about Colin and the guys of The MannersCast at https://www.mannerscast.com.

There are transcript of this and all my other episodes at manners.quickanddirtytips.com where you can also find a link to my Facebook group.  Come on over, become a fan and join in the discussions. And don’t forget to tell a friend about your Modern Manners Guy.

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