How to Handle a Non-Committer

It drives me crazy when you ask a “yes” or “no” question and the only response that the person can muster is, “Well…I’m not sure, yet. But, uh…maybe I’ll know, um, soon.” For the love of all that is mannerly, just say “yes” or “no”!

I call this type of person a “non-committer” and he or she comes in many forms: romantic types, coworkers, friends, you name it.

Frankly, I’m tired of their games, and I think we need to give the non-committers of the world a wake up call. So, without further ado, here are my top 3 quick and dirty tips on how to handle non-committers:

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Tip #1: The Romantic Non-Committer

Along with educating us on how difficult dating can be Sex and the City blew the lid off the dating world with these 6 little words:

“He’s just not that into you.”

Unfortunately, in some relationships, one side can’t quite plant his or her feet firmly on the grounds of monogamy. Whether the excuse is a job, a family situation, or the ol’ classic, “I’m trying to find myself,” the real answer is that they’re just not that into you. Period. The end. 

It stinks, but if someone can’t commit to a relationship when you’re ready to, then why should you put all of your effort into pleasing them?  You’ve made up your mind, and if they’re not on board, why should you be obligated to play their game of, “Not right now…but maybe later”?  The romantic non-committer always wins simply because they don’t care about losing.  

When it comes to handling the romantic non-committer, sit down and state your case. Say where you are in the relationship, where you want to be, and ask them if they feel the same. If they don’t, well you might as well go sign up for Match.com, because they’re not sticking around.

If they respond, “Can’t we just take things slow?” what they’re really saying is, “I want to be with you until something better comes along.” At that point it’s up to you to decide if you want to stick around or jump ship.

It’s immature for them to string you along and highly unmannerly to accept their childish behavior. Be firm, be strong, and be honest.

Tip #2: The Non-Committer Friend

We all love the non-committer friend, right? They bail on you at the last minute, they never pay youback, and they never make solid plans. Basically, they’re still the cocky kid they were in high school. It was OK back then, but now you’re an adult with responsibilities. I don’t want to say the non-committer friend is a bad person (or at least not intentionally). Usually, this person is the life of the party because they only care about having fun on their terms.

The non-committer friend is usually a serial non-committer in every other aspect of life as well: romance, jobs, living arrangements, and even simply calling you back on time.

The fact is that this is the definition of a bad friend.

For example, the non-committer friend is always late because they know you’ll wait for them. It doesn’t matter how late they are or how often this occurs, they simply don’t respect your time.

So, when dealing with this lovable shlub of a friend, whose trustworthiness rivals my 2-year-old holding an open box of cookies, you have to treat them like a child.  When you do invite them out, lay out all the plans ahead of time, and just let the chips fall where they may. If they don’t show up, they’re out. Simple as that. Don’t ask for excuses and don’t accept any either. 

The thing is, when you commit to something, big or little, you’re all in. No matter the size of the promise, you make it happen. With friends there is some wiggle room because of your history, however, after a while the act gets old. You have to measure how important people are in your life, since time only gets more scarce as we get older. If the non-committer doesn’t like to show up, maybe it’s time you stop inviting them. 

Tip #3: The Workplace Non-Committer

In my book, Reply All…And Other Ways to Tank Your Career, I list the who’s who of unmannerly office mates; The Slacker, the Bully, and the Party Animal. Pick your poison, your office is filled with people who simply don’t care about you or anyone else. These non-committers are only there to get a paycheck and make copies for their Fantasy Baseball Draft in the copy room.

The workplace non-committer is the kind of person who, time after time, just happens to have something come up at the very the last minute when something is needed. Ironic, right? 

Hardly.

You, on the other hand, are always there when the boss calls.

See Also: How to Keep Your Commitments (Part 1) and (Part 2)

Whatever the case, whether it’s constantly being late or flip-flopping on decisions, the workplace non-committer prefers to only think of themselves. When you stumble upon one of these irresponsible colleagues, you have to realize that they don’t understand what it means to be a professional. In which case, they don’t deserve the same social or professional considerations that others in the office enjoy. This can include perks like promotions, increased visibility, and travel opportunities, or even leniency in personal matters. These should be reserved for model employees only.

If you can’t fire the non-committer (or aren’t in the position to do so), the least you can do keep their behavior from sapping team spirit. Don’t go out of your way to alienate them, but do make sure that you’re not banking on them to be a part of the group. Don’t encourage them by waiting around until they decide. They’re just waiting to see if better plans come up instead. That’s not how it works. 

The corporate world, although cutthroat, is a team sport, and if they don’t like the rules, they can have a seat on the bench. Check out my earlier episode on How to Snub Someone for more tips on giving the cold shoulder.

If you have another manners question, I look forward to hearing from you at manners@quickanddirtytips.com. Follow me on Twitter @MannersQDT, and of course, check back next week for more Modern Manners Guy tips for a more polite life.

Do you have any recent graduates in your circle, or perhaps someone who is looking to start a new career, check out my book, Reply All…And Other Ways to Tank Your Career for great tips and advice on job success. 

Lazy employee photo courtesy of Shutterstock.