How to Have “The Talk” with Your Child

For most parents, the idea of talking with their kids about sex is right up there with sticking their hand into an open flame. Just thinking about it can be terrifying, and quickly turn even the most confident parent into a quivering mess.

Orgasm, ejaculation, condom, periods…many parents don’t want to read these words in front of their kids, much less say them.

But having The Talk with your child is absolutely necessary if you expect him or her to make safe decisions when you’re not around. And let’s face it, you’re not going to be in the room when your child is faced with some of the most life-changing decisions he or she has to make.

So where do you start? These quick tips will help you initiate a meaningful, and more comfortable, conversation with your child:

Tip #1: There’s More Than One Talk

The Talk shouldn’t be, literally, just one talk. Ideally, talking with your child about sex begins much younger and parallels your child’s natural physical, emotional, and social development. As your child develops and matures in his tween and teen years, so should your conversations about sex, sexuality, and development. Be sure to circle-back and follow up on prior conversations to reinforce the idea that it’s an ongoing discussion.

Tip #2: Give Your Child a Heads-Up

Let your kid know that you’re planning to initiate this conversation, and let him get comfortable with the idea ahead of time. Set aside time when you can talk in private, away from distractions. If you have more than one child, even if they’re close in age or the same gender, respect their privacy and talk to each separately.

Tip #3: Keep Your Purpose in Mind

Keep in mind that you’re having these conversations with your tween or teen to: (1) empower them with knowledge to help them make safe, educated decisions as they move through natural phases of development, and (2) help them understand that their feelings, changing physicality, and emotions are normal. Focusing on this will help when the conversation gets uncomfortable and your tween starts asking questions like “What is an orgasm?”

Tip #4: Be Prepared for Questions About Your Own Teenage Decisions

Remember, this conversation is not a tell-all. Be straightforward and be honest, but don’t feel compelled to share every decision you made as a teen. Help your child understand that it’s their time to make safe choices for themselves that they’ll be happy with in the long-term, especially when peer pressure comes into play. The focus should be on ensuring that your child has what he needs to make safe decisions for himself. Address the decision-making process, not just the decisions.

Tip #5: Practice Beforehand

You may think you’re ready, but when your tween asks what ejaculation is, you may find yourself stumbling over your words. A little run-through beforehand may make the conversation go much more smoothly. And remember, The Talk isn’t only about sex; it’s about development, feelings, concerns, social growth, and self-acceptance.

Tip #6: Be Switzerland

Don’t judge, just listen. Your teen is sure to have some eye-popping questions, but it’s the answers that are more important. Give your teen factually sound answers that empower him to make safe decisions for himself, without him feeling like he’s being judged for asking the questions.

Finally, know that your teen is (most likely) asking about sex. It’s just a matter of who they’re asking and how reliable the answers are.  Talk to your tween or tween about sex, and let those reliable answers come from you.

Elisabeth Henderson is an educator with over a decade’s experience teaching the Family Life Education Curriculum (aka, Sex Ed) to tweens and teens. She graduated with honors from James Madison University with degrees in both in Psychology and Special Education. She is the mother of two young boys and the author of 100 Questions You’d Never Ask Your Parents (available now at your favorite bookseller).