How to Properly Handle Embarrassing Bodily Mishaps in Public

As a manners professional, I’m not one to shy away from the more embarrassing side of etiquette. In fact, I find it hilarious! And apparently, I’m not alone, since judging from the email I recieve, bathroom-related topics seem to pique everyone’s interests.

Now, now, now, let’s all remember we’re mature adults and/or young adults, and it’s perfectly proper to have a healthy discussion about how we are human. And I’m a sounding board for all your manners conundrums, including things that make us cringe—especially when you need to figure out how to properly survive these unsettling issues in public. So, let’s hop right into my top three quick and dirty tips for properly handling embarrassing bodily functions in public.

Tip #1: Listen to Your Body

Back in the early 90s, George Bush Sr. became the topic of every comedian’s jokes when he vomited at a banquet hosted by the Japanese Prime Minister. Unfortunately, the former President’s body was telling him, “Wait up here, Boss … something is off,” but he thought he was totally fine. See, here his body gave him a hint earlier that day during a heated tennis match, but it turns out he paid the price for not properly adhering to a much-needed break before dining in a public forum. Whether it’s your ego, or the FOMO (fear of missing out), it’s never a good idea to “test” your body when you know you have something big coming up—you know, like a dinner date with the Prime Minister of Japan. Simple as that.

Yet the former President is not alone. These mishaps tend to happen a lot in your personal and professional world. You tell yourself, “Oh, I’ll be fine… I’ll get by.” But really you’re just fooling yourself and trying to trick your body into doing something it has no intention to do.  So, what can we learn from the Splat Heard ‘Round the World? For starters, in a situation where you lose all control of your bodily functions in public, you not only put yourself in an awkward position, but you also put everyone around you in an incredibly unnerving place, too. It will always be engrained in people’s memory of you. It’s just too nasty to erase.  

Take Bush, for example. The entire night was ruined because he pushed his body. Everyone saw him in a different light after that. Do you think anyone else at the table could go forward with their meal? I mean, how can you simply continue to dine after watching the leader of the free world blow chunks right in front of you? You can’t. Now, I know it’s one thing to cancel a coffee date versus a dinner with international leaders, but the concept is the same. It’s rude to put others in harm’s way because you don’t want to admit you need a break or feel sick. Save yourself the humiliation—not to mention making others feel as if they will lose their stomach because of you.

Tip #2: Don’t Go Into Detail

In a 2013 article called Revisiting Bathroom Etiquette, I discussed how many people see no problem with talking to someone in the stall next to them while going #2. Here’s the deal; I don’t want to talk to you in a bathroom stall. Ever. At the sink, yes. Checking your hair in the mirror, have at it. But when we go into the stall, it’s personal time. Similarly, certain people tend to take what went down (or came up) in the bathroom from inside the stall to the outside, and again, I don’t want to hear it. Discussing your bodily functions without asking if anyone cares shows a lack of manners, class, and maturity.

Take Kyle, who, while on a double date, witnessed his friend James go into so much detail about his stomach bug that both of their dates nearly left the table in the middle of the meal. In fact, the only reason they didn’t exit was because Kyle secretly texted his date, “Please don’t leave.” Thankfully, at least Kyle’s date didn’t hold James’ boneheaded display of unmannerly behavior against either of them and was willing to look past it. What? Hearing about someone’s loose bowels doesn’t turn you on? Come on, where’s the love?

This is a perfect example of someone bringing a little TMI to an issue that needed a little personal TLC. If you’re coming off a stomach bug—or any other gastrointestinal illness— the very last thing you want to do is share your play-by-play of the day’s events. If you have allergies, and you say, “Ugh, I was sneezing my head off,” that’s gross, but not as bad. However, when as was the case with James, “everything was coming out of both exits (his words, folks, not mine),” the absolute last thing you need to do is go into further detail.

The proper way to handle telling someone you’re ill is to simply say, “I’ve been under the weather the last day or so. Sorry if I don’t eat much. I’m just going to have some tea.” Or, and this may sound improper, but you can also lie. Yes, folks: lie. If you have the stomach bug, simply saying those words conjures up repulsive images for others. So, play it down, don’t hype it up. And lastly, never add in something like, “Ugh … and then guess what happened next?”

Gross.

Tip #3: Don’t Be Afraid to Flee

Recently, a Modern Manners Guy Twitter follower named Brett had an embarrassing situation during a happy hour with coworkers. After having a rough week of a stomach bug (again, not going into detail as we’ve already discussed), he decided he couldn’t miss out on the weekly get-together, despite his body telling him ‘No.’ Similarly to Bush Sr. in Tip #1, Brett’s ego told his stomach, “Talk to the hand.” Regrettably, his body won and Brett had a very, ahem, uncomfortable ride home. You catch my drift?

But the story did not have a terrible ending. Bad? Oh yeah, but not as bad as it could have been. After his first drink (a bad move), he had a gut feeling (no pun intended) and decided to call it a night … at 6:30. Brett properly excused himself by saying that he wasn’t feeling so hot, and without going into detail (Tip #2), he kindly said his goodbyes. Here is a proper way to make an exit before it becomes regrettable.

See, when you tell people you’re not feeling well, they will likely inquire. It’s human nature to show concern. And to that, like I said in Tip #2, it’s improper to go into detail. It’s like when someone says, “Hey, Bob. How are ya?” They really don’t want to know. It’s just a greeting. And yes, Brett’s friends were concerned, but it’s always your call on how much you express about yourself—especially when you’re sick. Like I said, you’re trying to dodge two bullets of awkwardness: having to detail what happened in your bathroom (which I highly recommend never doing), and having a public display like the exorcist will be very hard to recover from.

As always, if you have any manners-related questions, send them to manners@quickanddirtytips.com. Follow me on Twitter @MannersQDT, and, of course, check back next week for more Modern Manners Guy advice on how to live a more polite life.

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Man throwing up image courtesy of Shutterstock.