My kids are old enough to pick up their own toys and picking up toys is definitely not my favorite way to spend the afternoon. However, when I tell them to do it, they don’t seem to hear me. It’s as thought they’ve become temporarily deaf. This episode isn’t about picking up toys. It’s about why kids don’t hear you when you’re saying something they don’t want to hear. I call this phenomenon “selective hearing.” I have some simple strategies to help you communicate with children who choose to ignore certain things you are saying, such as, “Please pick up your toys.”

First, I’d like to point out that my children can hear me whisper to my husband if I’m suggesting ice cream or going out somewhere. I could be whispering it to him in the kitchen while the kids are 20 feet away playing with a loud toy and they will hear me. I am certain that neither of them has any hearing disabilities. So, when I’m standing two feet away and saying, “Stop pushing your brother,” I’m confident that my daughter knows what I’m saying. It amazes me how she just ignores me. I am sure that with time she will adapt to each method I come up with to convince her to listen. I just have to stay ahead of the game.

Parents tend to repeat themselves when they realize they are being ignored. They also tend to become progressively louder. If you know your child can hear you, don’t raise your voice. I’ve noticed that my children think I’m funny when I speak louder. Just like any other parent, I sometimes lose my temper. When I lose my temper, I raise my voice. I am probably much louder than is necessary at times and my kids think this is hilarious. Sometimes their smiles will actually calm me down and force me to take a different approach, but usually, it just makes me more frustrated. I think most parents have felt this way.

If your children aren’t listening, stop and evaluate the situation. First, decide if it’s really something you need them to hear. If it isn’t important or can wait, then maybe you can let it go. If it’s something you need them to hear right now, have your child face you. Most kids will turn around if you say, “Look at Mommy!” The more pleasant or playful you say it, the more likely they are to turn and look at you. Once your child is facing you, look him right in the eye and tell him what you said. Then, confirm that he heard you. “Mommy asked you to stop touching cat. Are you going to stop now?” When your child confirms that he’s going to comply with your instructions, be sure to thank him for his cooperation. I suggest that you also ask your child to face you when you want to tell him something pleasant. If he doesn’t know what to expect, he’s more likely to listen to you.

There are going to be times when you might not be as flexible. You are elbow deep in dirty dishes, making dinner or helping one of your children reassemble the block tower the cat just knocked over. Your other child wants to get revenge on the cat and he’s chasing it around the house. You’ve already yelled “Leave the cat alone!” twice, but that hasn’t had any effect. That’s when I recommend the next strategy. This strategy requires that you and the child be in the same room or at least within earshot of a loud whisper. Whispering seems to have a stronger effect than yelling. You are saying the same thing, but you are speaking in a loud whisper. It’s best if you have eye contact when you do this. I’ve noticed this throw the kids off. They tend to stop in their tracks as though they aren’t sure what you’ve said, but you whispered it so it must be important. Sometimes just whispering your child’s name is enough to get him to look at you. Then, you can restate your instructions, “I asked you to stop chasing the cat.”

Finally, let’s talk about picking up the toys. It’s not an urgent instruction, but it needs to be done. Asking the children to pick up the toys has not had any effect on them. If your children don’t want to hear you, then what you are saying needs to be altered. It’s time for suspension of privileges or removal of the problem. You might say, “If you can’t pick up your toys, then we’ll need to get rid of them.” This will usually get most kids moving. If they are defiant then you’ll need to follow through. Box up the toys and put them in storage. If it’s a matter of something you can’t get rid of, then take away a privilege. My daughter loves to watch movies and she gets to watch one at night before bedtime. If she doesn’t listen to me, she loses her movie. It’s a choice she gets to make. “There will be no movie tonight if you touch the cat again” usually registers if she doesn’t hear me the first time.

Finally, if you truly feel that your child isn’t hearing you, contact your pediatrician and schedule a hearing test. If your child is sitting in front of a television or computer screen and not hearing you, it may be time to cut back on the electronic entertainment. Of course, the most important thing you can do to get your children to listen to you is to be a good listener yourself. If you listen to your children they’ll be much more likely to listen to you too!

That’s it for now. Hope you enjoyed listening. I’d love to hear from you. If you would like to request a topic for the Mighty Mommy, or if you’d like to share a wonderful tip of your own, you can e-mail mommy@qdnow.com. Also, if you haven’t already done so, please take a moment to post a review at iTunes. I’d really appreciate it.

The Mighty Mommy’s Quick and Dirty Tips for Practical Parenting is part of the Quick and Dirty Tips network at quickanddirtytips.com. This week Grammar Girl is responding to listeners’ questions so be sure to check out her podcast!

This is your friend the Mighty Mommy wishing you happy and fun parenting!

Music – “Golly Gee” by Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons “Attribution 2.0” https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/“