Thank You Etiquette

Thank you. It sounds pretty simple, and you might think you’re using it correctly. But are you sure you’re saying thank you every time you should be? And are you saying thank you even when you shouldn’t be?

When Should You Send Thank You Notes?

There are many standard reasons to say thank you, including after you receive a gift—whether it’s for your graduation, birthday, baby shower, wedding, etc. It really should go without saying that thanking people for gifts requires sending a handwritten note. And you should get that thank you note out post-haste. Waiting weeks or months is not really appropriate. Holding out for a year, no matter the circumstances, is rude. Of course, the note should be sent even if it’s late. Starting thank you notes is usually the hardest part, so just make yourself sit down and write one note. Then write another. If you keep that up, you’ll soon find that you’re done and your manners will still be in tact.

If you are really delinquent in sending out a thank you note, apologize briefly and humbly. Don’t belabor the point, though, as that will cause the recipient to feel like they were a burden to you– and you do not want that.

When to Say Thank You

Thank others for everything from opening a door for you to cleaning up after you. Neglecting to do so only highlights your selfishness.

Another reason to say thank you is for an act of kindness. If your kid’s soccer coach invests his or her time and energy in your little tyke, a thank you is in order. You should certainly thank someone who takes a little work off your plate. Even if your coworker is actually expected to do that job for you, saying thank you shows you respect the working relationship and builds trust between you.

Thank others for everything from opening a door for you to cleaning up after you or buying you a meal. Neglecting to do so shines a spotlight on your selfishness and tells others that you think the rest of the world should be doing those things for you. I assure you they should not be.

Say Thank You for Constructive Criticism

When you receive constructive criticism, say thank you. Not everyone is out to get you, so remember to keep yourself in check as you are getting criticism. Always be willing to accept advice from those who you know are interested in your improvement. Then humbly thank them for the things that help you become a better person.

Even if someone criticizes you out of ill will, they still might have a valid point. When you get over your initial reaction to shove them down and take their shoes, examine the critique for its worth and thank them for any valuable advice that may have slipped through their snide comment. Saying thank you in this situation does something very interesting to people. When they see that you are becoming a better person by taking their vicious advice, it confuses them. They might start to see that you aren’t the threat they imagined and may begin to treat you differently. 

When Shouldn’t You Say Thank You?

Do not thank someone sarcastically out of frustration. When a cashier who has been working all day accidentally drops your eggs on the ground, saying a condescending, “thanks a lot,” is not appropriate–absolutely not appropriate. When your spouse locks the keys in the car on your way to the airport, a sarcastic “thanks” is only going to make that person feel worse. Something I’ve learned from almost fourteen years of marriage is that sarcasm is not going to make your spouse love you any more. Firing off a sarcastic “thank you” out of frustration is only meant to make yourself feel important. Manners are about making others feel important! Have patience in that situation.

Thank you is a special phrase that should be kept for building someone up. Make it a habit to spend a little time remembering all the things your spouse or significant other does for you– that can be for parents and friends as well. Then, even if it’s just a few words, say thank you often.

That goes for your kids too— or those who work for you. Teach appreciation by example. Thank them for jobs well done. Thank them for working hard. Then help them know when it’s their turn to thank someone else.

Bottom Line

Thank others for their generosity. Thank others for the little things and not just the big things. Thank others out of humility and not sarcasm. You don’t always have to thank with a note or a gift, but try to thank others often.

I sincerely thank you for joining me for this installment of The Modern Manners Guy’s Quick and Dirty Tips for a More Polite Life.

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