What Is Appropriate Bathroom Stall Conversation?

Before you get fooled by the name of this episode, I’m not talking about “potty language” when I refer to the issue of proper bathroom stall etiquette.  I’m referring to actually talking to one another while you’re in a bathroom stall … you know, taking care of business. And since the Modern Manners Guy show is a gender neutral platform, I’m referring to an actual bathroom stall where you sit versus a urinal.

Now, not to get too gross, but the reason why it’s the stall conversations that are most important is that when people sit down, they naturally get more comfortable. As a result, improperly talking while in a stall is something that is stinking up the world of etiquette. Luckily, Modern Manners Guy tackles any disgusting etiquette regardless of how, well, disgusting! Today’s no different with my top three quick and dirty tips for proper toilet talk:

Tip #1: Talking to Someone from the Stall

In an article I wrote called Headphones Etiquette, I talked about improper use of headphones in the bathroom for various situations. One of those areas was in the office bathroom, which, for whatever odd reason, has become a kind of “hangout” for coworkers. Seriously. Next time you go into the bathroom, watch how people greet each other. Just the other day, Evan was washing his hands at the sink when someone walked in like they hadn’t seen each other in five months, let alone a couple of hours. “Heyyyyyy, Evvvvv! My man!” Now, as much as he liked the energetic greeting, the conversation turned rather uncomfortable when his coworker took the conversation into the stall while Evan continued to wash his hands. Here Evan wanted to leave but his coworker kept chatting away while he was in the bathroom. I mean it’s one thing to be excited to see someone in the bathroom (I guess), and it’s another thing to make chit-chat once you enter that stall. When that door shuts, the conversation stops. 

I don’t have to go into too much detail but needless to say a lot of “sounds” occur in the bathroom. Even though we’re all adults and understand it’s just nature working, that doesn’t mean we have to take that time lightly. As I said, talk all you want but when you shut that door, the discussion should end. Here’s the proper way to end that conversation: “Hey, Evan. I have to chat about something. I’ll swing by later.” Done and done. Don’t keep the Evans of the world hostage in the bathroom so you can multitask. When someone does this, it shows two things; first, that the person talking lacks respect for other’s time.  Second, the bathroom goer feels as if others are so beneath you, they must wait while you go to the bathroom… for however long that may be.  The conversation may be important but it can wait five minutes. If it can’t, than just don’t go to the bathroom until you’re done. Easy, right?

Tip #2: No Cell Phone Swapping, Please

Another article I wrote about bathrooms (MMG readers have tons of questions about the bathroom and I happily oblige) was called, How to Use Your Cell Phone in the Bathroom. It outlined the dos and don’ts of going mobile when you have to go. As I said, there’s a very fine line between appropriate and “heck no!” when it comes to using your cell phone in the bathroom. The line is so thin, in fact, it almost disappears when you look closely at it. So, when you use your cell phone in a bathroom stall, interacting with someone at the same time, it takes disgusting to an all time high. For example, when Amy was going to the bathroom, a stranger in the stall next to her in a restaurant, slipped her hand under the divider and said, “What do you think of this guy? He’s meeting me here for drinks in a half hour.” Amy was blown away, not only because a stranger was using a cell phone ask for her opinion on what she finds attractive, also because a public bathroom is no time to be swapping cell phones. Sure, you can use your own in your own stall (on silent!) but let’s leave it at that.

When it comes to cell phone use in the bathroom, I’m realistic but cautious. Look, whatever you do behind the closed doors of a bathroom stall in your business. We—the people in the adjacent stall—just don’t want to be invited into it. So when you have a phone in your hand, while going to the bathroom, my brain is going over all the things that your body touched before you touched that phone, and then handed it my way. Like Amy, she was nauseated that a woman would feel so comfortable to share her phone under the stall that she didn’t know how to react. And that is actually the most proper response. A proper person never feeds into quirks of the rude—whatever they may be.  Doing so only enhances their impoliteness, kind of like laughing at the class clown only encourages them to act out more. If you’re “the Amy” in this situation, don’t engage the person next to you. Simply reply with, “Sorry, I’m almost done. We can talk outside.” Again, don’t fall into their trap of nastiness. With that, the basic rule for using your stall in a bathroom is to keep your cell phone IN your stall. Don’t share. If you truly have to share, wait until you get out. If you’re done first, wait for the other person. Like I said before, nothing is that urgent.

Tip #3: Great Debates

If you’ve had the unfortunate chance to catch any of the “worst show on television,” aka the Presidential Debate, you’ve realized that when it comes to disputes on personal issues, people tend to get rather feisty pretty quick. Take Sal and Richard who work in a tight knit office of around 30 people—with no cubes, just desks.  Because of their layout, conversations—regardless of if you’re involved—can be heard clearly throughout.  Needless to say when at heated debate goes down, it carries much more weight than coworkers talking about lunch plans. In this situation, Sal and Richard’s intense discussion about March Madness (Sal being a Cavaliers fan, and Richard being of the Jayhawks) improperly and loudly went from the desk, to the coffee maker, to the bathroom. Neither wanted to stop arguing even for a few minutes, while others in the office wish they would have taken a tip from Elsa and just “let it go!”.

As an NCAA basketball fan, I totally get their passion. In fact, I’ve had deep discussions with friends where our devotion to said issue gets the better of us. But, in every conversation I’ve ever had, I have never said, “Wait, I have to go to the bathroom. Come with me and we’ll talk through the stall.” I like to think that if I did, whoever was talking to me probably would never again engage me in a debate. Apparently, Sal and Richard thought otherwise. While they were “doing their business” Sal and Richard went at it like two rival coaches arguing over a foul. Classy, right?

Mannerly Nation, there are several things here that need to be addressed. For starters, work business doesn’t go into the bathroom stall when you have to do your business. I mean, unless you’re Superman, you can’t see who is on the other side of that door, and how those people will view your discussion. I mean what if the person you are talking about walks in? Awwwwkard. Secondly, as I said above, when you go into the bathroom and shut that door, any conversation you had now comes to and end, and the level of intensity of the conversation does not trump that rule. Lastly, it’s highly improper to allow your coworkers to be invited into your argument, regardless if it’s a childish debate about sports. You have to take that outside, do it over text if you must, or simply wait until work is over. The bathroom stall is not a safe haven for you to yell at one another.

As always, if you have another manners question, I look forward to hearing from you at manners@quickanddirtytips.com. Follow me on Twitter @MannersQDT, and of course, check back next week for more Modern Manners Guy tips for a more polite life.

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