One thing I’ve heard a lot from listeners lately is how hard it’s been to navigate politics in relationships. It seems that, for the past few years, and perhaps especially during the pandemic, there have been more family conflicts and friendship breakups over politics than ever.

According to a recent poll, 80% of Republicans believe ‘the other side’ has been taken over by socialists, and 80% of Democrats believe ‘the other side’ has been taken over by racists.

This isn’t just a feeling. According to the Pew Research Center, the vast majority of registered voters say that they have  opens in a new window“just a few” or no friends who voted for the opposite-party candidate in the 2020 elections. Our feelings about people on the other side of the political divide are also quite extreme. According to  opens in a new windowanother poll, 80% of Republicans believe “the other side” has been taken over by socialists, and 80% of Democrats believe “the other side” has been taken over by racists.

Privately, listeners have been emailing me to say that they’ve had to cut off friendships or become distant with family members because they simply can’t abide their position on immigration, or bathroom laws, or policing, or some other highly debated topic. Some are asking for advice on how to bridge divides, while others are asking how to cut people off.

To work on navigating these complicated dynamics, let’s borrow from couples’ therapy techniques.

1. Figure out what your overarching goal is in this relationship

Let’s start by taking a step back and considering your priorities in a particular relationship. Is this a close family member that you hope to have a relationship with for decades to come? Is this a college acquaintance you may never see again besides on social media? Is this an entire parenting friend group that provides your toddler with play dates?

The deeper the relationship, the more worthwhile it is to have meaningful conversations about core values.

What you do next will depend on these greater goals. The general calculus is: The deeper the relationship, the more worthwhile it is to have meaningful conversations about core values. So it might not be worth it to get into a soul-searching debate about abortion with your barista.

Also, the more important the relationship, the more worthwhile it is to be patient and flexible—meaning, don’t expect lightbulb moments, and be willing to back away from intractable disagreements in order to preserve the relationship. If you only see your grandmother once a year, and you value your relationship with her, be willing to take baby steps or drop the politics discussions altogether.

Talking politics is tricky in all relationships. Imagine being married to your political opposite. Listen to this interview as previous Savvy Psychologist Ellen Hendriksen talks with Dr. Jeanne Safer about how to make it work.

2. “Take off your jersey”

Once you’ve decided that having a political conversation is worthwhile for your relationship, you can mentally prepare before it starts.

One of my favorite tips is from Sarah Holland and Beth Silvers, co-authors of the book  opens in a new windowI Think You’re Wrong (But I’m Listening). They suggest beginning a conversation about politics with a loved one by “taking off your jersey.” That means, be willing to step away from your identification with any political team.

You’re not here as a Democrat or Republican. You’re here as a genuinely curious friend, or daughter, or neighbor.

You’re not here as a Democrat or Republican. You’re here as a genuinely curious friend, or daughter, or neighbor. You’re not here to debate party platforms, but rather, a specific issue you care about. Extend the same benefit of the doubt to the other person. Don’t see them as a spokesperson for a political group, but rather, as someone you care about whose thoughts you want to understand.

3. Reimagine your goal for the conversation

Another thing you should do before starting a conversation is to drop your goal of changing someone’s mind about a political stance. Yes, I do mean completely—let it go. Expect with full certainty that changing the other person’s mind is not going to happen. It will immediately and magically make you (and your conversation partner) a much easier person to talk to.

Drop your goal of changing someone’s mind about a political stance. Reimagine your goal as trying to understand why the other person feels the way they do

Reimagine your goal, instead, as trying to understand why the other person feels the way they do. Don’t cheat by sneaking in an addendum goal, such as, “Once I understand how they feel, I can talk them out of it by debunking their myths.”

No. Remember how we dropped the goal of convincing anyone to change their mind? I promise that if you secretly hold onto that goal, it will backfire and put you more at an impasse with your conversation partner.

4. Don’t use “why” as an accusation; use “tell me more” as an open-ended invitation

A big part of having genuine curiosity, and of wanting to understand someone else, is knowing how to ask open-ended questions. Sometimes, people think they’re doing this when they ask “why” and “how.”

These aren’t questions at all; they’re accusations that cut straight to the core of someone’s moral identity.

But those questions are often delivered in an incredulous tone: “How could you possibly think X?” or “Why would you support Y?” These aren’t questions at all; they’re accusations that cut straight to the core of someone’s moral identity. You might as well have asked “Why are you a monster?”

A real open-ended question is a simple invitation: “Tell me more.” Variations include “Say more about the X part,” or “Hmm, that’s interesting about the Y part. Could you elaborate?”

QUICK TIP!
I challenge you to use an open-ended invitation three times in a row in your next conversation without offering any of your own opinions or saying “but” a single time. See how the tension relaxes in the room. Then notice what information and emotions you have now that you didn’t have before.

5. Assume that you’re making some assumptions

We all know that to assume is to “make an ass of U and me.” And we all know we shouldn’t assume we know someone’s thoughts and feelings. But we often don’t realize that we’re making assumptions!

It’s not your fault—our brains are wired to make shortcuts like this.

In fact, it’s safe to assume that we’re always making some assumptions about someone else’s political beliefs or motives. It’s not your fault—our brains are wired to make shortcuts like this. But in a high-stakes, high-emotion conversation, pause at every step and wonder what you might be assuming. It’s even great to say it out loud: “I’m realizing that I might be assuming your rationale about X here. Could you clarify about what you think?”

6. Allow emotions. They’re usually more sticky than facts

The number one tactic we try to use, and the tactic most likely to fail, is to counter emotion with facts. We think that surely, if we have facts on our side, they’ll have no recourse but to be rational and come around. But there are two mistake in that thinking.

1. People are not perfectly rational. We all have brains wired to be biased and swayed by emotions, which is why we play the lottery and think our own babies are cuter than others. To expect people to be rational is, in itself, irrational.
2. You may not have the full facts on your side. You may genuinely believe that the statistics you quote and the research you know prove your case. But there may be other research you don’t know about, or a different and valid interpretation of the statistics you have. So I’m sorry to say this, but having facts does not make your argument bulletproof.

Having facts does not make your argument bulletproof.

The solution is to avoid hanging everything on “facts.” Do allow emotions, though. Emotions run high in political discussions, and they’re usually driving our opinions whether you like it or not. Trying to understand your friend’s emotions about an election, for example, will build a much stronger bridge of understanding, especially in early conversations.

Emotions—what are they good for? Listen as our current Savvy Psychologist, Dr. Monica Johnson  talks about the functions emotions serve and how to use them as tools in our everyday lives.

7. Demonstrate that you understand … even if you don’t agree

You don’t have to agree with someone’s opinion to understand what they mean. And understanding is no small triumph. Think about how frustrating it is when someone keeps putting words in your mouth or twisting your meaning. Isn’t it the worst when someone doesn’t even try to see your rationale?

Isn’t it the worst when someone doesn’t even try to see your rationale?

The most valuable thing you can contribute to the conversation, and to the relationship, is to really try to understand the other’s train of thought, even if you don’t agree. Then, it’s important to follow through by demonstrating that you’re trying to understand. In addition to asking open-ended questions, you can also do this by reflecting back what you think you heard them say. Try something along the lines of “Okay, it sounds like you’re saying… Is that right?” Or “Let me make sure I know what you mean. Do you mean…?”

8. Let go of the need for closing arguments

Remember how