Addiction Etiquette: What to Say to Someone in Recovery

A Modern Manners Guy Facebook friend emailed me nervously about how to handle herself at a one-on-one dinner with a cousin who recently left a rehabilitation center for drugs and alcohol. Her biggest concern was that she did not want to offend her cousin by inadvertently saying, doing, or not doing something. 

The same week, I received a few other emails and Twitter messages about this very topic. 

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This is a serious, sensitive topic that needs some extra love and attention. That’s why I’ve enlisted an old friend – a professional in the field of recovery – to join the Modern Manners Guy show this week.

Please meet Zach Snitzer, the co-founder and director of business development at the Maryland Addiction Recovery Center. Zach is going to help answer some of the questions I’ve received on this topic.

Situation #1: What to Do When You’re on a Date with a Recovering Addict

Listener Maggie wrote me an email, saying:

“I have a blind date with a guy who I just found is 4 months sober. I’ve never dated anyone in recovery before and I’m not sure how to handle dining with him? What do I do?”

Don’t worry, Maggie, it’s OK to be nervous.  As much as we all want to put on a front and say, “It’s no biggie,” let’s be honest, it is a biggie. After all, this is someone who you may end up in a long-term romantic relationship with.

And since it’s a date, you want to make a good impression, which is a mixture of being yourself and also bringing your best self to the evening. The last thing you’d ever want to do is offend. That’s why Maggie was concerned about whether or not she could ask questions about her date’s recovery? Would it be OK for her to order a drink? Should she just ignore it and act like nothing happened?

Zach, tell us your advice:

Zach Snitzer: Maggie, it’s certainly OK to talk about your date’s situation, I would even encourage it. Remember, the purpose of a blind date is to meet someone you like and possibly have a relationship with them. Inevitably, their recovery will be a big part of that potential relationship. Everyone is different, so I would recommend Maggie ask her date if ordering a drink is OK. I would suggest asking open, honest questions about his recovery and respecting boundaries that he may not want to broach. This shows that she is interested and supportive. I certainly would not suggest ignoring the recovery altogether.

Situation #2: How to Handle a Recovering Addict at a Dinner Party

Listener Tim emailed me with a very interesting situation:

“I am hosting a dinner party for 25 friends. One of these friends is newly sober. I would never want to make her feel uncomfortable, but if I don’t serve any wine or beer, she and everyone will know it’s because of her. What do I do?” 

See also: Dinner Party Etiquette: How to Be a Good Host

This is a great question. Here we are dealing with what it means be a good host. This includes providing good food and drinks and making sure the environment is comfortable for everyone there. You would never want to alienate someone because of their dietary or lifestyle choices.  

Zach, what do you think about this one?

Zach Snitzer:  Tim, my suggestion would be to approach your friend and ask her honestly how she would feel about attending a party where alcohol will be served. People in recovery need to learn to live life free of alcohol and other substances, so it is not fair to expect a party of 25 to “go dry” for one person. Perhaps if she has an issue with it, she should not join the party. Remember, just because 20-25% of the population has alcohol abuse issues, does not mean that we – as a society – should close down every liquor store. As the host, I would have a good variety of snacks and soda to go along with the alcoholic drinks in order to give every guest ample options.

I totally agree Zach!

It’s not right for one person’s lifestyle choice to compromise everyone else. But as Zach said, it’s a two-way street. A sober person has to feel comfortable in a world with alcohol and we have to be OK with allowing them the chance, without any judgment. 

Situation #3: Seeing a Friend Right After They Left Rehab

The awkwardness of discussing sobriety on a date or at a party has its challenges, but what about when you meet up with a friend who you’ve known for years and for whom recovery is still relatively new? Should you mention the elephant in the room right away or wait for them to initiate? Listener Cindy was in this exact situation with a friend recently. She asked:

“What can I ask that makes it look like I’m not being too intrusive, but shows that I’m here for her, too? And at what point can we just go back to our friendship the way it was before?”

I know what you mean, Cindy. After all, you don’t want to act like nothing ever happened, but you don’t want your friend to feel like you’re interrogating her. What’s the best approach here?

Zach, we’d love your thoughts. 

For starters, since their sobriety is new, the discussion of their new lifestyle is something that will be an everyday occurrence. 

Zach Snitzer: This one is a bit tricky. If you don’t feel comfortable just diving right into questions about your friend’s recovery, I would give the conversation a little time to see if she brings up the topic. That would make the transition easier. If she doesn’t bring it up, I suggest not addressing it during the first conversation at all. It’s important to remember that addiction carries with it much guilt, shame, and embarrassment, so it can take some time for newly sober people to open up about their treatment. However, if you can approach the subject in a loving way, it is never a negative thing to say something along the lines of, “I heard you just got out of treatment and I wanted to let you know that I’m your friend and I’m here for you if you need me.”

One last thing to remember: Real friendship has ups and downs that are not always in our control. Here’s a great quote from philosopher Lucius Annaeus Seneca that illustrates this concept perfectly:

“One of the most beautiful qualities of true friendship is to understand and to be understood.” 

As always, if you have another manners question, I look forward to hearing from you at manners@quickanddirtytips.com. Follow me on Twitter @MannersQDT, and of course, check back next week for more Modern Manners Guy tips for a more polite life.

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Friends together, alcoholism, and rehab images courtesy of Shutterstock.