How to Give Compliments

A reader recently emailed to ask about how to give and receive a compliment:

Hi Lisa,

I recently found your podcast and have been trying to listen to past podcasts and take all your tips to heart. While driving to work I thought of this one that I seem to struggle with: how to take a compliment and how to give a compliment. Hope you can help.  

Keep doing what you do, you are making a difference. PS—I just ordered your book.

Steve

Thanks for your kind words, Steve, and for your question about compliments. In fact, it’s so important that I am going to split my answer into two podcasts. I’ll start with giving compliments because we all love to get compliments. They make us feel good and they don’t just benefit the receiver, they benefit you, the giver, and in fact, everyone around you. Here’s why.

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Why Give Compliments?

A lot of research has been done on the effects of giving compliments. Studies have found that complimenting someone’s performance actually helps the brain remember the skills better. And people who are recognized for their efforts receive a boost in serotonin, which increases self-esteem, confidence, and a sense of purpose. This reinforces the behavior and further improves future performance. People who are complimented feel valued, appreciated, and more positive.

Obviously, all these good vibes help the person being complimented, but how does this help you, the complimenter? First, by deciding to compliment more often, you begin to develop the habit of looking for positive things, which in the long-run makes you happier. Your relationships improve with the people you sincerely compliment, increasing a bond of trust between you. And good relationships make work a lot easier. Finally, happier employees, or even family members for that matter, make everyone around them feel better, too. And if you are a boss who is known to recognize those around you, employees will all work harder to gain your appreciation.

So, there are many important motivations for cultivating a habit of complimenting people. But it has to be done right.

How to (and How Not to) Give a Compliment

A successful compliment doesn’t have to be perfect, but it does have to be genuinely sincere. A fake compliment can be sensed a mile away, and it will destroy your credibility—not giving a compliment is better than giving an insincere one. And if you develop the habit of noticing good things, it’s easy to find something to compliment sincerely.

Oh, and be sure it doesn’t seem like you’ll benefit from giving the compliment. Yes, waiters actually get better tips when they compliment their guests, but employers and employees should avoid the obvious appearance of flattery for personal gain. Again, successful compliments are authentic.

Next, good compliments are specific. If your staff member just gave a great presentation, mention the best points. Saying, “Hey, great presentation” as you whisk by may be better than nothing. But it would be better to stop and say, “You did a great job analyzing the reason for the jump in sales in May. That should really help us replicate that next month.” That is going to make your staff member’s self-esteem soar! And you can count on a boost in performance.

However, a successful compliment is not overdone. If you were to go on and on, saying, “Wow, it was just amazing. I have never seen such brilliant analysis,” you’ll start sounding fake, and begin to make the other person a little uncomfortable.

Compliments: Short, specific, sincere. 

A successful compliment must also be appropriate. Here in the U.S., it’s rarely appropriate for a boss to comment about the appearance of an employee, or for an employee to comment on the appearance of a superior.

If you have that kind of relationship in your office, you can judge better about this, but these compliments should generally remain between friends. And be careful when talking about weight, or some other touchy subject. If you gush about how great a person looks now that he or she has lost weight, you run the risk of insulting the person, who might start thinking, “You must have thought I looked hideous before!” Obviously, that’s not your intention, but people can be sensitive, so tread lightly.

Time to Deliver Your Compliment

When delivering your compliment, smile and be enthusiastic. Let your tone of voice be sincere, not condescending, envious, or surprised at the person’s great performance. You know how the meaning of a sentence can change depending on which word you emphasize.

What Are The Best Compliments?

Interestingly, it is much more valuable to compliment a person’s hard work than a person’s natural abilities. Forget, “You’re so talented!” or “You’re a natural!” Ongoing studies have shown that children who are praised for completing a task due to their own efforts or creativity worked longer on difficult projects and succeeded more often than children who were praised for being smart or talented. And this is not true only for children. In fact, the New Yorker used this research to suggest Enron fell because employees who are concerned about always looking “good” or “smart” will either be afraid to take risks, grow, and learn, or will try to cover up mistakes, compounding them further. So, sometimes it can be a good idea to praise a person for taking a risk or thinking outside the box, even when things didn’t quite work out.

So, what does a great compliment sound like? How about, “Jeanette, I wanted you to know I have been getting some very positive feedback from clients about you. I heard about your creativity and quickly addressed the issue at Marshall Company and that the webinar you delivered was interesting, engaging, and educational. I appreciate your hard work.”

Sincere, specific, and short. Spoken with a positive tone and a smile, praising effort rather than natural talent. That is how to compliment.

This is The Public Speaker Lisa B. Marshall, helping you move from information to influence. Your success is my business. If you want to learn more about communication and leadership, I invite you to read my bestselling book, Smart Talk, and listen to my other podcast with the same name, Smart Talk. 

Well done image courtesy of Shutterstock.