When a friend or family member loses someone special to them, it’s always tough to know how to react. I often get emails from Modern Manners Guy readers and listeners about this very issue.

People wonder: “What should I say?” “What should I do?” “Do I call them every day and see how they’re doing or do I give them space?”

See also: What to Say When Someone Dies?

The stress of not knowing what to do can be overwhelming. And after you do talk to them, how do you choose a condolence gift that shows the appropriate level of feeling and empathy? This, my friends, is a very challenging thing and something that everyone has probably struck out on at least once.

The last thing you want to do in someone’s time of mourning is to have to remove your foot from your mouth after handing them an inappropriate condolence gift. Sometimes it’s not your fault. You tried!

So before you head out to the mall to pick out the perfect gift that says “I care” without saying, “I have no idea what I’m doing,” check out my top 3 Quick and Dirty Tips for proper condolence gift-giving.

1. Give the right gift
2. The card’s the thing
3. Everyone needs to eat

Tip #1: The Improper Gift

The old saying of K.I.S.S. (or Keep It Simple, Stupid) never means more than in the case of a condolence gift. 

For example, a friend of mine was dating a girl for about two months when her grandmother passed away. He had never met her grandmother but had met other members of the family. He attended the funeral, visited her house, offered his assistance, and did all the good kinda-sorta-boyfriend-type things any decent person should do. However, he felt the bizarre need to give this girl a great gift that really showed his heart was in it. After all, he told me, he’d spent the past couple of months trying to win her over with over-the-top dinners and even a fancy weekend away.

So instead of doing something subtle and simple, my friend bought his girl a pricey Keurig coffee maker. Great gift, yes…for a wedding! Not for the death of someone’s grandmother. He told me that she always wanted one and he was planning to get her one anyway, so now was as good a time as any, right? I mean, who wouldn’t want a $200 brewing system? I have one and I love it! (And you know how much I love my coffee!) Sadly, the ability to make a perfect cup of coffee in under 15 seconds does not cure heartbreak over the death of a loved one. Who da thunk it?

I’m not saying his gift wasn’t a good one, it just had terrible timing. For starters, you never use your A-Game gift for someone when they are grieving. If they’re preoccupied with something as life-changing as the death of a beloved relative, you lose all those points you were trying to earn because that person’s mind is elsewhere. And understandably so. When my friend delivered the gift, the girl was very happy with it and thought it was incredibly kind. However, it went unopened for two weeks. Two weeks! Are you kidding me? When I got my Keurig, I tore open the box in the car on the way home.

Here is an instance of good intentions not working out well. What the girl needed at the time was for her guy to simply be there for her (as he was) and help out with whatever she or her family needed. He did not have to buy her affection. She wasn’t looking for that. A condolence gift is not a time to pull out that ace in your pocket. Stick to something simple like a card, flowers, food, or better yet just your friendship and time.

Tip #2: The Card is Your Go-To

As I said in Tip #1, my buddy truly went beyond the limits of proper condolence gift-giving. Hey, what can I say, the guy has a big heart which sometimes clouds his judgment. For the record, I’ve known this friend for 20 years and he’s yet to get me anything that cool. Just saying, in case you’re listening Kenny…

After he told me about the Keurig situation, I asked him if he had gotten the girl a card as well. He said, “Well, no…I mean the gift receipt had a spot for the To and From area…but I sort of left it blank…” This is where I burst into laughter. We are childhood friends and when a childhood friend you’ve known for more than half your life does something so ridiculous, you’re allowed to laugh. My big-hearted friend sadly missed the one thing – the easiest thing – in condolence gift-giving: the card. The card is sometimes the most underrated “gift,” when in reality it can be your best option.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the cards that line the many aisles of a grocery store can go a long way in expressing your feelings for someone’s loss, without making you have to come up with clever words. Cards are poetic, beautiful, heartwarming…everything you need for whatever situation you are in. However, when cruising the card aisle, make sure that you pick the proper card for a given person. For instance, you don’t want to give a card with a strong religious focus to your friend the atheist. And vice versa.

Also, don’t spend hours upon hours in the card aisle, like you’re choosing the perfect color paint for your bedroom. A card should be simple and from the heart, period. There is no time limit on that.

Tip #3: Bring Food

In my family, whenever someone passes away, the first thing people do is drop off food for the grieving family. Food signifies comfort and care and can go a long way to easing the burden of grief. Also, when people are in mourning, cooking for themselves is not top priority. So with this simple gesture, you can relieve their emotional and physical needs.

More practically speaking, food is easy to do. If you’re a good cook, making a special meal from the heart is a wonderful condolence gift. If not, you can simply head to the store, pick up a platter of something, and drop it off. Or, if you are out of town or can’t get there, order online and have it delivered. However, before you order food for the family, make sure it properly fits their needs. For example, my coworker’s mother passed away and our boss decided to send a platter to the house. It was a nice gesture, but the boss forgot that this family keeps kosher. So that beautiful platter from a non-kosher store was a kind gesture, but it was not useful.

As much as I am a believer that food is the answer to every single major issue in life, you must keep in mind the needs or restrictions of the people to whom this food is going. It’s like serving steak to a vegetarian. It may be the nicest cut of steak this side of the Mississippi, but to a vegivore it’s no tastier than an old sneaker.

So always find out about any dietary restrictions before giving food. Not only does this show proper consideration, it can also save you time and money. Like in the situation above with my boss, that deli platter he sent to the grieving family was $50 – and it was useless. A more appropriate platter, sensitive to their needs would have been much more appreciated. 

Do you have a great story about condolence gift-giving gone wrong? Post all the details in the comment section below or on the Modern Manners Guy Facebook page.

As always, if you have another manners question, I look forward to hearing from you at manners@quickanddirtytips.com. Follow me on Twitter @MannersQDT, and of course, check back next week for more Modern Manners Guy tips for a more polite life.

Coffee and Sandwich Platter images from Shutterstock