Today’s topic is dealing with a boss who blames you, even when it’s not your fault. The quick and dirty tip is to acknowledge the facts and feelings, take the blame if it’s necessary and safe, and move on to solutions.

Keith writes in:

What do you do when you have done exactly what your boss asks? Say, book a certain Hotel in Las Vegas. And then when you arrive, he goes all Jekyll and Hyde on you — changing his mind and throwing a big tantrum? What’s the best reaction to workplace anger? Should you admit fault — even though you’ve done nothing wrong? I like to be right, but I like to be employed more. What do you think?

Keith, we’re on the same wavelength! I love being right, too, especially when it’s about modern art, great literature, or anything that requires specialized knowledge. I have lots of specialized knowledge, although not in any of those areas, so I can speak with absolute authority, without the hassle of actually learning anything about the subject. I state my convictions firmly and everyone assumes I’m an expert. Life is good.

As you’ve discovered, this falls apart when it’s a battle with the boss. If the boss says “Jump,” you jump, and then the boss yells at you for jumping, you’re in a quandary. Do you get sucked into the right-and-wrong game, or do you let your Boss have his way and move on?

If you’ve ever seen the Devil wears Prada, you know some bosses are evil, manipulative, sadistic monsters who like watching people fail. It seems really wrong to stand by and take it when someone like that wrongly accuses you.

Do Right and Wrong Matter?

I’ve noticed over the years that often, when I don’t have the power, being right is irrelevant. We all think we’re right, and when we’re angry, we think we’re right even more than other times. Even though you know you’re right in this case, your boss knows you’re wrong. Since your boss has the power, I’m sorry to say, he’ll win a right/wrong battle, period. After all, just like you and me, she also likes being right.

When Stakes Are Low, Take the Blame and Move On

In the grand scheme of things, a hotel reservation isn’t very important. It’s not going to get you fired. I suspect the best course of action here is to accept the blame and move on to fix matters. Your boss gets to feel like “The Decider,” and you get to take the moral high road and feel superior. If your boss is irrationally angry, being defensive will just come across as an attack. Instead, say, “I’m very sorry, I must have misunderstood. What would you like me to do?” If you have a suggestion, say that here, too. The key is to agree with your boss. Anger can’t stand up to agreement. So let your boss rant, show remorse, and move into problem-solving.

If your boss stays in blame mode for a while, just sit and listen. It can be hard, but remember, your boss isn’t really mad at you. Your boss is mad at his fantasy of reality. You just happen to be there. Nod. Agree quietly. Then ask, “What shall we do now?” Under no circumstances should you be defensive, or snide, or patronizing. That will just set your boss off again.

When Stakes Are High, Pacify Without Taking the Blame.

Sometimes, admitting guilt could have legal or career consequences. Let’s say you’re negotiating a big deal and your boss changes the deal terms at the last second. When the other party pulls out, boss-man gets furious and tries to blame you for it. Don’t take the blame! In this case, it could hurt your career.

Do acknowledge the facts and acknowledge your boss’s feelings. “Wow. The deal fell through. You’re upset, I’m upset. What do you think we should do?” You are still acknowledging your boss’s feelings, but you are carefully not admitting any fault that could open you up to liability or legal action.

In Relationships, of Course It’s Not Their Fault

In your private life, you may also find yourself getting into right/wrong games with your husband, wife, spousal equivalent, or polyamorous family unit. In those cases, of course your spouse is always right! What else could possibly be the case? Practice saying “Yes, dear.” “Of course, dear.” “You’re right, dear!” “I don’t know, what do you think?” If you’re right and you fight, you’ll win and spend the next six months groveling to repair the damage to the relationship. If you’re right or wrong and you submit gracefully, you’ll get lots of hugs and snuggling. For me, at least, the choice is clear.

One resource I highly recommend is the book Difficult Conversations, which will teach how to separate out the blaming and judgment from the facts and feelings around conflict situations. You can find a link to the book in this episode’s transcript at getitdone.quickanddirtytips.com.

So remember: drop the “I’m right” game. No one cares except you. Instead, take the blame if necessary, acknowledge everyone’s feelings, and then move right along to book an even better suite at the Bellagio.

This is Stever Robbins. Email questions to getitdone@quickanddirtytips.com or leave voicemail at 866-WRK-LESS.

Work Less, Do More, and have a Great Life!

RESOURCES:

• Difficult Conversations by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, Sheila Heen, and Roger Fisher