How to Break Up
How to end a relationship: how to break up with your employer, your job, or your *sniff* snuggle bunny.
Get-It-Done Guy reader Peter writes in asking:
What’s the right way to break up with someone?
Peter, I’m puzzled. You’re the first person to write with a question about relationships. Most people think getting things done has nothing to do with relationships. Nothing could be further from the truth. Relationships make everything happen. We carry our relationships with us everywhere. If you’re like me, you even keep People magazine around, so you can pretend you have a relationship with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, even if you don’t. (Yes, I’m that pathetic, but my therapist and I are working on it.)
Long, drawn out emotional roller coasters can interfere with productivity. You can’t let that slob you’re breaking up with tank your work life as well as your home life. You owe it to yourself and your Corporate Overlords to get through breakups as quickly as possible so you can get back to being a productive cog in the machine. Just remember: a productive cog is a happy cog!
Employer/employee relationships are just like romantic relationships, only you spend more time with an employer than you do with your boyfriend, girlfriend, spousal equivalent, or polyamorous family unit. So today’s tip is just as much about quitting your job is it as about quitting your slob.
Don’t Break Up to Manipulate
Make sure you’re breaking up for the right reasons. I’ve known people whose cry of, “This time I’m really leaving!!” was nothing but a cheap negotiating posture. If you’re breaking up as a way to manipulate your significant other, don’t do it. Learn how to express your needs clearly and calmly and listen to your partner’s needs whether or not he, she, or they express themselves calmly. Threatening to leave just escalates the conflict for no good reason. And besides, your partner’s on to you: they see that you left your stuffed rabbit Cuddles on the bed, so all your dramatic posturing is nothing but an empty bluff.
If you’re not bluffing, make sure you’re in touch with your real motives. Otherwise, you’ll run right to someone who is exactly as dysfunctional, in exactly the same ways as your current partner. My friend ran through consecutive girlfriends who even had the same first name. That was very efficient. None of his friends or family had to learn a new name. Since his new girlfriend Yadira looked almost exactly like the previous Yadira, he could even reuse his vacation photos. That is working less and doing more! Of course, the similarity didn’t stop there, so she dumped him exactly the same way as the first Yadira.
Get Clear on Your Motives
Know why you’re leaving. Do you have unmet needs? Does your partner expect things you aren’t willing to give? What do you imagine will be better about life as a single person (and don’t say Craigslist)? Really soul search here, and ask yourself how flexible you’re willing to be in the pursuit of a relationship. So you need your partner to give you more artistic freedom, eh? Well, if artistic freedom means you can leave unfinished bowls of ice cream on the living room floor and call it abstract art when your honey walks through it, your odds of finding romantic bliss with the next candidate probably won’t be much better.
You’re clarifying your motives for your sake, not because you’re going to tell your soon-to-be-ex. Especially if you genuinely love your partner, you can feel all kinds of guilty when you break up. The pressure to give in or negotiate can be intense. But if you keep your motives in mind, they can serve as an emotional rock. When your sweetie says, “Don’t leave me; I’ll love you forever!” you can keep thinking to yourself, “I really need someone who will cook, clean, support me, flatter me, and give me all the freedom I want while expecting nothing in return.” That way, either you’ll stay firm in your resolve, or you’ll see how unreasonable you’re being, break out laughing, and stay together for a blissful lifelong romance.
Don’t Drag it Out, Don’t Negotiate
If you stay firm, do it quickly. Don’t say “Tonight I have to tell you something important” and leave them hanging all day. Tell your sweetie, framing the message in terms of yourself and your own needs. Then be willing to listen to them and give them room for their emotional reaction. Let them talk and simply listen, perhaps asking for clarification. Do empathize, but don’t back down.
If you decide to give reasons, use I-statements. Talk about your decision, your needs, and your reactions. “I need to live alone for a while to find myself.” “I just don’t feel right with this relationship.” “I need someone who’s 6 feet tall, in great shape, with chiseled abs, who attended Clown College.”
Don’t discuss them or how they act. “You don’t pay enough attention to me,” or “You put the toilet paper facing the wrong way on the roll.” At best, they’ll get defensive and angry. At worst, they’ll argue, convince you to stay, and trap you in a loveless morass of needy co-dependence, all while hanging the toilet paper that inefficient way that you just know wastes paper.
Every reason you give becomes a negotiating point. If you want to avoid all that, you’re always free to say, “I’ve loved the time we spent together and now have to leave the relationship.” If they ask why, you can just reply, “I just feel like I have to.” You don’t need to give reasons.
No Nookie with Your Ex for a Year
Everything I’ve said is the same for quitting a job as it is for breaking up a romance. Don’t threaten, get clear on your motives, don’t drag it out, don’t negotiate if you have no intention of staying, and use I-statements to explain your reasons. There’s one important difference, however. With a romance, you really lay down the no nookie rule with your ex for at least a year. You know it happens. With a job, however, exactly the opposite applies. Expect them to want you back, and be prepared to spend the night, just charge double your salary in consulting fees. Corporate nookie comes with a price tag.
This is Stever Robbins. Follow GetItDoneGuy on Twitter and email questions to getitdone@quickanddirtytips.com.
Work Less, Do More, and have a Great Life!
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